Fear of Labels

In my quest to gain a better understanding of my son, I have read alot of books, websites, talked to doctors, friends, family.. the list goes on. One unexpected discovery I made was a fear of labels by many adults. Mainly those outside of the profession of childhood development, seem to fear labels the most and are the ones that most often advise to "not label" the child.

I do understand the intent and the reasoning. It takes some willpower not to argue against it though. I decided a long time ago that I don't have time or will to change everyone's mind and they are entitled to their own opinions, but inside I cringe sometimes.

I was happy when Conner finally got a "label". I already knew, and had been struggling with for quite awhile, that something was off with my little man. A diagnosis was an acknowledgment for me, that yes, my instincts had been right and Conner really was difficult to manage. Mark and I weren't just deficient parents. I hadn't realized what a burden of guilt I had been carrying until Conner had been diagnosed with SPD and OCD. I now believe that it was a significant factor in the depression I suffered for several months this last couple of years. I have learned, that it's common for parents, particularly moms, of children with developmental disorders to suffer from depression - thought to be partially caused by their own misplaced guilt and the additional stress that a child with behavioural issues can add to a family.

A diagnosis and label also marked a beginning of a brighter, happier path for my son and our entire family. We started learning what was going on and how to address it. Previously, we just felt lost. While the process is not speedy, appointments were made and attended for tests to rule out physical causes for Conner's symptoms. Without the "label", the appointments would have been difficult, if not impossible to get. We now had a starting point to focus on for education of ourselves, and to pursue help for our boy.

The label gives us a common ground, or starting point when speaking with the professionals in Conner's life. Whether it is his teachers, OT, or doctor, it helps facilitate communication and discussion without having to start at the beginning every time. Most family and friends become nervous when the words SPD, OCD, or autism crop up, I think from lack of education on the subject and blind love for Conner.

For Conner, I think a label has helped because I now had a focus to my research. As his mom, I have gained a better understanding of him, and in turn I pass it on and discuss it with Mark. Conner's self esteem has come back, he's happier and more trusting. I'm not a professional and know I likely miss the mark on alot of things, but it has helped Conner tremendously to finally have some understanding. As parents we are learning the difference between behaviour he controls and behaviour that he does not. It means he's not getting punished for those things he cannot always control. Instead, he's given support to change or redirect what's causing them. (when we recognize it)

Conner is a child that marches to the beat of his own drum. He's unique and I love him for the perspective he has brought to our lives. The labels, as scary to some as they may be, help us as his parents by giving us tools to raise him in a world that may not always understand him.

No Fear.

The Ballet, Sushi, and Us

I have always had a love for the arts; classical music, ballet, opera - but have had no one with which to enjoy or share. Certainly not my family, or my husband's family... and Mark tolerates some "culture", but turns back to hockey discussions as soon as he thinks he can get away with it. So, I decided a very long time ago, that when my children were old enough to start going, and too young to say no, I would impose my will upon them and culture them. So, for the second year in a row, I bought tickets for my family to see The Nutcracker in Edmonton.

Yesterday in -35C (that's almost -40 for you Americans) weather, we drove 3 hours to Edmonton. Some may have suggested that we stay at home in that weather. Ha! I spent almost $300 on these tickets 3 months ago, no way am I gonna let them go to waste!!

Once in the parking lot, we change the kids out of their car ride clothes, complete with crumbs and smears, into their beautiful party clothes. My mom bought them each an adorable outfit earlier in the year. It's amazing how well these two kids actually clean up!!

(Their noses are still cold from the walk into the building)

The ballet itself was pretty good; if you're looking for a review, I think last year's was far better in talent and story, but the kids both enjoyed it. When the Nutcracker prince was injured by the King Rat, Robyn yelled in her little 3 year old voice, "He's dead!" At various times I had to try and shush her exclaims, but inside I was beaming. My little girl was fascinated! She followed the story quite well and was drawn into the dances. Conner enjoyed it also and demanded quite loudly for me to name the different dances, ie: the Russians, Arabians etc. It's hard being put on the spot like that when I know all the "real" ballet people sitting around us are pretending not to listen. The second half was tiring for the children, and Mark and I had to be quite creative in our bid to keep both kids quiet and behaved. I don't think we totally succeeded, but we weren't the loudest either.

Poor Conner was too hot (it was stifling in there), and the clapping had finally done him in by the second half. Every time the crowd started clapping, Conner started gyrating wildly and blinking, sticking out his tongue and other ticks. He also started the humming/singing that he does often when he's in public places - which I think was a sign that he had had enough noise. Thankfully, the second half wasn't as long, so he was able to finish out the show without having to disturb an entire row of people to leave in the middle (yeah, we sat in the very centre of the row - -1 point to me for the choice of seats).

The best part of the entire show was the end. I was chatting with the lady in front of us who was letting us know politely that she thought my children were a bit loud for her tastes to which I was feigning complete ignorance of the point. Someone tapped me on the shoulder, and I turned around to about 4 or 5 people fawning at my children. One of the ladies told Mark and I that we have beautiful children and .. this is the best part: "They are wonderfully behaved." now don't worry, I don't actually totally believe this part because I know my own children. But, that was such a nice compliment.

Afterwards, we went for sushi as a treat for all of us. It was Robyn's first time and she decided upon seeing the maki rolls that sushi was not her thing. I had already ordered her a bowl of rice though, so all was good. Conner ate more maki than I thought he could fit in his little belly. He even drank some of my green tea! Looking across the table at my special guy, I had a vision of him in the future; a well travelled scholar who partakes in the finer, more cultured side of life. Ok, it's a stretch. But in his little suit complete with tie, sipping on green tea and eating sushi at age 5... it seemed fitting. (Maybe if we had our own sushi restaurant Conner wouldn't be so skinny and hard to feed!)

I look forward to next year. It's nice to step outside of our normal routine and do something different. I know the day will come that the kids won't be so easily swayed into going, so I'm going to enjoy these times I do get to enjoy this with them and my husband as fully as I can.

Our Right to Vote on the Coalition Government Petition

Our Right to Vote on the Coalition Government Petition

Fellow Canadian readers, if you oppose the forming coalition and would like to sign a petition declaring such, or want to read more about why many are opposing it - please follow the above link.

I do not normally blog about politics, however this issue has struck a chord with me, as it has with so many other Canadians. It's amazing how much turmoil has erupted in such a short time.

I'm Home!!

While the plane was coming down on the landing strip, I was imagining the reception awaiting me inside with my husband and kids. One of those movie welcomes with yells of "Mommy!!" and everyone trying to hug me at the same time. It was quite beautiful. Reality of course, rarely mirrors fantasy.

The plane had departed over 90 minutes delayed, so poor Mark had been entertaining and corralling two antsy children who were wholly tired of his sole company. When I finally came down the hallway to the reception/public area, there sat my husband, slumping in his seat with a happy smile. He looked positively sh*tbagged. The kids were hiding their faces in our old game, eliciting weird looks from the people around us. When I "found" them, the kids gave me hugs and kisses, and we all walked out happily to the car.

I had made myself a promise while I was away - no more yelling. I hate it, and yet I do it. Lately, I do it on a daily basis multiple times.

It lasted all of 20 minutes. It took us that long to get into the van.

*sigh*

My first day home was awful. I'm not blaming the kids, or anyone in particular - it was just one of those yucky days. It started with 5 (counted all of them) loose and gooey fresh puppy poops across the kitchen floor. Thank goodness it's lino. He couldn't stand and finish his business. No, he had to spread the love across and into every nook and cranny in the kitchen. Thanks Max. Just how I wanted to start my morning! Then a few crappy phone calls and fighting kids and a windy, cold day from hell. Just a bad day.

I promised the kids we would decorate for Christmas this year, so we made a plan after supper to get the first decorations out, including the Advent Calender that Conner keeps a close eye on for the entirety of December. That helped turn a yucky day into a great one. We had alot of fun and the inside of my house looks like the Christmas section of every department store projectile vomitted. The kids are happy and I can enjoy the garishness of it all by seeing it through their eyes. (Christmas and I have a sordid love-hate relationship) Tonight, we'll put up the tree, maybe.

I think Mark missed me though. After a long bath and a book (my wind-down treat after long days), I was greeted by candles and chocolates in the bedroom and one very cuddly hubby. I don't plan on leaving again any time soon, but it sure is nice to come home.

A Few Days Away

Tomorrow night the hubby and kids are putting me on a plane, and they won't see me until Sunday afternoon! I'm headed out to British Columbia, to visit my grandmother. I promised her when we went out for Grandpa's funeral that I would be coming for a visit this fall. I realized, when I checked into flights to go to the funeral, that it was cheaper than I had expected - making it something attainable. I only wish I had checked before and could have visited grandad one last time.

So I'll be arriving at her house with a rented car and will be spending a few days, just Grandma and me. I'm looking forward to the time away from my family (I know it's bad), and hope I'm refreshed with a new perspective when I come home.

That means of course, that Mark will be on his own for a few days. It's amazing how much he gets done when I'm gone; last time he completely renovated the bathroom. It makes me wonder what it is that stops him from doing those things when I am at home? Ah well, I know I'm lucky to have a husband so willing to take on the kids and the house for a few days. He cooks and does the minimal cleaning and gets the kids to bed better than I do!

I'll be packing and doing laundry etc in preparations for my trip. I'll check in when I come home!

Introducing Queenie

A few days ago, Mark was getting ready to head home for lunch when a half-starved, half-friendly pretty kitty came running up to him. Now, where he works is out in the middle of nowhere. He immediately called me and asked me if I still wanted a cat for the barn and of course, I said yes. I want a cat to keep down the mice, and no barnyard is complete without cats!

Queenie was purring when I met her. I'm guessing she may have been a pet at one time, but lost her way and has been living in the bush for some time. We've set her up in the barn with an old pillow and and a roll of fleece I meant to use for some craft project. I bring her warm watered-down milk every morning, along with a big bowl of food. She mews from the corner, shyly and then dives right into the food as though it's her last meal.

We weren't if she would stay or not, so we didn't tell the kids at first. Conner's still trying to get over the loss of Titten (another story to be told). But she's still here after 3 days, so we sat them down and told them about Queenie last night. We laid down the rules and explained why - no dogs and no visits unless with Mom or Dad. I think he actually might listen.

The best part - I named her, and Conner thought it was great! He hated all my puppy names but likes the kitty name, go figure! This weekend, we're going to add another barn cat from Mom and Dad's. She's also alone and I'm hoping the two can bond and keep each other warm. *fingers crossed*

I would post a picture if I had my camera cords. *grumble*

The 5 That Are Actually 4!

Earlier this week, Stacey at Taylor Tidbits tagged me with a list of 5 things .. but it's actually 4. Conner would have a difficult time with this and would try to get "someone" to fix it - but hey, I like it and don't want a fix! Sorry guy.

So here is my list:

1- Show both hands in writing something

I *still* haven't found my camera cords.. hmm maybe I should look into some organization tips! I'm slowly unpacking and discovering new things every day! Oh well.. it's not pretty. I'm a very strong righty.

2- list 5 of your 50/50's..

#1 Spring OR Summer

#2 Sushi OR

Steak

#3 Spring OR Autumn

#4 Puppy Breath OR

Freshly fluffed bedsheets

#5 Yellow OR Lavender

3- 5 pet peeves

#1 Noisy eating - yuck

#2 Passing on the shoulder

#3 Loud talking

#4 Closed Mindedness (yes it's a word!)

#5 Birds that sing at 4am

5- 5 things that don't mix well.

#1 Pet cats and Pet birds

#2 Puppies and Carpet

#3 Public + Fountain

#4 Grandparents and Pediatricians

#5 Apple + Cheese - though I know people that SWEAR it's good

Puppy Preschool

We have over a week under our belts now with Max. We've learned that primarily, Max likes to chew.

He is especially fond of Robyn's special plush mousie, so much so that Mousie now has to stay upstairs in her room so that she does not become a Maxie victim. I don't think Robyn would ever forgive him. We have plenty of toys for Max; chew toys, rope toys, rubber rings, but the puppy has discerning taste and shows a preference towards anything that is of the children's. It's working in my favor though! Toys left on the floor are prime puppy fodder and the kids are learning quickly to keep their stuff picked up. Yay!

Max is learning some commands. He has work to do and has been trying to dominate over the kids, so Mark and I are watching him and them closely and putting him in his place - at the bottom of the pack. He's still such a baby and I think because of his size, it's tempting to expect more of him than he's actually capable.

• Off - four paws on the floor
• No bite - not even nibble. Max can take my whole face in his mouth already at just over 9 weeks.. this one is very important for him to learn.
• Bedtime - he doesn't like kennel time, but is doing alot better at night with Sasha's bed outside his kennel door. She's unimpressed with the bedroom move from the living room to the kitchen. She gets over the pout when they both get their bedtime treat.
• Outside, Good pee - Max HATES going outside.

We're having lots of laughs and lots of learning! Can't wait to show pictures of our new baby. Camera cords still missing!

A Rocky, Kootenay Summer Vacation!

This is most definitely been a long time coming, but better late than never! My husband and I planned a summer vacation this past year tailored towards our kids. At 5 and 2, we built in lots of stops and bypassed some sights, like museums, that we'll leave for next time.

So for the curious, here are the highlights of our family vacation in British Columbia: (in order by visit)

1. Takakkaw Falls: We drove through Banff National Park, but did not stop at the sights. Instead, we travelled straight on to Field. Our first destination was Takakkaw Falls. A warning: this drive is not for the feint of heart or for those with long trailers (tight cutbacks on the side of the mountain to maneuver),or for those that don't want to take the 30 mile (45 mins one way)drive. However, if you can do it, the trip is worth your effort! The natural trails leading to the waterfall were fun for the kids to explore; over roots, around boulders, and along the river. At the base of the falls was a rock slide area with giant boulders perfect for my little climber, Conner.

2. The Northern Lights Wolf Centre: Leaving Golden on Highway 1 headed towards Revelstoke is perhaps the best wildlife sanctuary I have toured. Specifically built and targetted towards education about wolves as part of a healthy ecosystem, this wildlife sanctuary is home to several rescued wolves. The atmosphere is casual, and not your typical touristy stop. It's not flashy and doesn't have alot of the amenities family type places often have to offer. You can purchase basic snacks and of course support the sanctuary by buying souvenirs, but the attraction is the education you receive by the small guided tour and the chance to see the wolves up close. Admittedly, the children were too young to fully appreciate this stop, but it was a great first introduction and we plan to go again. For kids that couldn't handle listening and waiting on the tour, a table with coloring is centrally placed and easily monitored.

3. Glacier and Mount Revelstoke National Parks: There are some great campgrounds, hiking trails, lakes, rivers and sights to see. We camped outside the parks at Albert Canyon Hotsprings under the Hemlocks and then made day trips to some of the hikes suited for small legs.

Skunk Cabbage Trail: This boardwalk hike was fairly short (we walked the whole trail and extended portion in about 45 minutes). The trail winds through a unique natural wetland that is home to the strange skunk cabbage plant. A stopover for migrating birds, this is a birders' paradise. The brochure lists a good chance to see Steller's Jay, Chestnut-backed Chickadee, Western Tanager, American Dippers, Magnolia Warbler, Black-headed Grosbeak, Rufous Hummingbird, Yellow Warbler, Townsend's Warbler, Common Yellowthroat, Merlin, and several species of Empidonax flycatchers along the Skunk Cabbage Boardwalk Trail.

The skunk cabbage is important as it is a favorite food of bears. The habitat is very important to their health and survival. Unfortunately, with the highway being so close, many bears are killed trying to cross the road to access this important food source.

The highlight for the kids was the giant pollywogs. We're not used to tadpoles this large back in Alberta! We spent quite a bit of time on our hands and knees watching them swim about in the water and trying to spot the ones with legs. I loved the opportunity to teach the kids about amphibians like frogs, and for them to see and hear the beautiful sounds in the wetland from all the birds and local inhabitants.

Giant Cedars Trail: While a bit more challenging, both kids navigated this trail up and down several long sets of stairs with ease. The trail makes a loop up and into a rainforest, taking you under a canopy of mjastic and ancient Hemlocks. Toadstools, ferns, birds, squirrels and other wildlife were spotted along the trail. A babbling brook added to the ambience. While not as exciting as the skunk cabbage trail for the kids, Mark and I were happy to have had the chance to relax and enjoy the natural beauty of the forest.

4. The Enchanted Forest: We made this a day trip, as it's not a very far drive from where we were camping. From Revelstoke it's a beautiful drive and well worth the stop. They've recently added an adventure park there for older families: walking on ropes in the trees in Sky Trek Adventure Park. The Enchanted Forest is home to every fairy tale known. Under the canopy of the giant trees, it's a calm walk along the dirt path. There are forts and a ship for the kids to climb on, houses to explore and fish to feed. For those wanting a longer hike, there is a beaver pond complete with tiny rowboats and life jackets. It's unsupervised and about a 2mile round trip hike, but we had fun! This is a stop we plan to come back to time and time again.

We did make some other stops, and our vacation continued for about another week to join with family on a houseboat, and then out to my grandfather's burial plot at Tatlayoko Lake in the Chilcotin. But for the most part, these were the tourist-type highlights that I'd not hesitate to suggest to others with younger children. Or older, for that matter, as we plan to return to all of these again as we pass through in future years. I loved the chance to spend this time with the kids with no televisions or computers or anything much at all except each other's company.

Mommy, I'm in Love

Last Thursday night, a few hours after coming home, my son finally started sharing about his school day. It takes Conner some time to decompress, and normally I don't get to hear about his day until the next day or later, if at all.

He came up to me with a shy half smile and adorable flush and half whispered, "Mom, I have a girlfriend and I love her."

Me: Really? What's her name? (Inside I'm counting the years and thinking, isn't this puppy love bit coming too soon? I'm trying to keep the panic off my face)
Conner: I forget. But we play at every recess. I love her.
Me: Is she in your class?
Conner: No, she's in Grade 1 (The nerve, picking up the babies in Kindergarten!)
Me: (Getting smart) I'm glad you're making some friends at your new school Buddy! Your new friend sounds very nice.
Conner: She's my girlfriend. I love her very, very much.
Me: (in my head: You're barely out of diapers, how can you possibly love someone you've played with on the playground for 2 days! You - don't - even - know - her - name.) I think you mean your friend, that is a girl, right honey? Just like you have friends that are boys. (I then look at Daddy for help)
Mark: Mom's right buddy. You can like your friends very much and we're happy you're getting some friends, but we use words like love for our family and people we know for a long time.
Conner: Oh. See the toys I picked out to give (stumbles) My Friend That is a Girl? And see this picture? That's her and that's me. I'm giving it to her so she can think of me when she goes home at night.
Me: (coughing and choking on my words - this is hard for me to take) Conner you are too young to have a girlfriend.
Conner: (laughs) No, I'm not! (looks to Dad to share a laugh about his crazy Mom)
Me: Tell ya what, if when you are 12 (counts 7 years with him on his fingers) you still think you love her, than you can call her your girlfriend. But my rules say no girlfriends til then ok?
Conner: Ok. (matter of factly and slowly speaking as though I am the child) But I do love her and I'll just call her my girlfriend to myself (leaves room).

Now don't get me wrong. It is cute as heck. The adorable smile, blush, shy voice - everything. But I've got history with this kid. This is the kid that up until a few months ago had no friends. None. He cried about it almost daily. This is the kid that has choked kids on the playground while on the slide with misplaced understanding of what fun means. Overstimulation from noise and movement doesn't help... This is the kid that has taken beatings from bullies on the playground because it meant that he was noticed and maybe next time they would be nice. (His rationalization when we put the run on the kids and rescued our little boy)

He's had such a struggle learning to socialize that I fear one of his first experience with a potentially longer lasting friendship (small school), could be misunderstood. Conner has wanted so badly to fit in and be just like the other kids that I am worried he's placing too much faith and trust on one poor little girl's shoulders. She probably doesn't even realize the stir her friendliness and kind gestures have caused my little boy. Let's learn to walk before we run, please, little man. (sigh, this is the baby that started walking at 6months of age and running at 9months)

I'm not ready to mend broken hearts. And his is to young to even have any fissures... no breaking allowed. (this is the part that Mark starts to smile and tell me to relax)

Max Attack!

We picked up our new/replacement puppy yesterday! (See Goodbye, Buster for background) The breeder had given us the pick, with a suggestion towards one of the more unique-colored males; a patchwork with browns, greys and blacks, with bands of speckles across his face and paws. As beautiful as he was... my eye and attention kept going to the biggest boy in the litter. He was the only one with wagging tail, following Conner around the pen. He also showed his alpha tendency by growling and barking at the other dogs clamoring outside the pen. That's the personality I want; despite it meaning a tougher training period ahead due to his (presumed) strong will.

Pictures soon!! The move seemed to have swallowed the USB upload cables for the digital cameras. He's a grey with black leopard spots, with light brown/rust on his snout, tips of his ears, feet, tip of his tail and some on his belly. He has one blue (wall)eye, one brown. The first name that came to mind was Rusty. That is his sire's name though, so this puppy should have his own name. Yes, we anthropomorphize all our pets.

Conner's suggestions were Starwars or Steroid (??what??) and shot down everything I had to suggest. Funny how that works. I called Mark on the cell and asked for strong names, historically. His mother is 90lbs, and his father is at least the same or larger. This 8 week old puppy is going to be a brute, and I thought should have a fitting name. He suggested Maximus, from General Maximus, Gladiator. Conner, in true form, agreed with his father and thus our new puppy is known as Max. I actually think of Mad Max, not for the dog as it's a Blue Heeler, and I really have no reason except who can resist Mel? It's only been about 12 hours and he's starting to respond, at least to our voices if not the name.

Night one was kind of rough, Max cried for about 10 minutes before falling asleep. (Yay, that went well) A few hours later he woke up and I took him outside to pee. We had unplanned playtime, and then I put him back to bed. This time it didn't go so smoothly.... I ended up sleeping on the couch with my hand beside the crate for the rest of the night. I know he's a bit young to crate train for long term periods, but this is our best option at night right now. Considering he and his littermates are farm/barn raised I don't think we're being too horrible.

So Max is home. I have a new baby and a new schedule. He's already reminded me in the short time we've had him why I hand babies back to their Moms and go home to my potty trained, sleep through the night children. Thankfully, and sadly, this particular puppy stage won't last very long.

Choosing the road less travelled...

I've always been a bad sheep. I don't follow very well, and if I must (as there are times we all must be followers), I try to do so in a way that I'm still different even if it's only in my own little mind. (A scary place to wander indeed)

Some big decisions and changes in my own and my family's life again is proof of my unconscious choices to be different:

1. Stay At Home Mom

Ok, ok, I'm not inventing something new here obviously! But how many of you know Moms who work when the babies are babies.. then transition to home full-time when the children start school?

Backwards? Not in CeeCee land!!

We have reasons, but it is humorous to see the reactions from people trying to figure out why we have made this move now. I don't even try to explain that it took me 6 years of marriage and two children now out of diapers to decide I like being domestic and want to do it full-time...

2. New family dog

So we move to the acreage and decide we want a guard dog. Nothing out of the ordinary there... so I complicate it and pick a breed that has few breeders in this area. Why? Just look at him! Now that's different.

Ok, ok.. again, there are other very good reasons we(I) chose this breed, but it does help that he's so different. (Poor, poor Buster - we're going this weekend to pick up his replacement).

3. Cattle

So with our new acreage I can finally have a few cattle once again. Grass fed, natural (hormone free) beef to put in the freezer is something that interests me greatly. I could walk, literally, down my driveway and buy cheap cows or heifers to realize this goal. But nooooooo... I want Highland Cattle! If you need to know why click the pic, there's more adorable pictures and breed history. (They are healthier beef in addition to being so cute).

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It's me and my family showing our personality and way of life. We're different, and I like it. Do you purposely make yourself different? I'd love to hear it! (I won't feel so alone, ha!) If you post it on your blog, send me an email or comment your address so I can link it here for everyone to see. Perhaps we can find some common ground in our differences, eh?

Goodbye, Buster

We picked up our puppy on Wednesday, after what had seemed to be a very long time but was actually only 30 days! He rode home on Conner's lap the entire way, sleeping and snuggling our boy who made sure to let us know how happy he was with this happy change. (We've been putting words to changes in his life and encouraging him tell us the happy and unhappy changes as he sees them).

Sadly, all hasn't continued on that happy plane. Upon arriving home we realized quickly that something was wrong - Buster couldn't see. It took us 2 days of watching and monitoring, and then testing to finally admit that our long awaited and already beloved puppy is indeed blind. We booked an appointment for yesterday, and they confirmed our worst fears; while Buster could have a productive life in a controlled environment, an acreage life is not the best option for this pup. One of the veterinarians that assessed him offered him a special needs home. It's up to the breeder though, so we've passed the information on in dire hopes he isn't destroyed.

The breeders are extremely apologetic and have given us pick of the litter for the next litter available (very soon), and we've arranged to take Buster back tonight. It's too hard to have him here any longer than needed. It's been heartbreaking for Mark and I to make the decision, and Conner hasn't really accepted that Buster has to leave us. I don't blame him!

sigh

So, hopefully soon we'll have a new puppy. Buster will never be replaced, he's too special a dog, even for the short time that we've gotten to love him. What's important is that we don't act selfishly and make Buster suffer for it, a lesson I'm hoping to impart on our children as responsible pet owners in the making.

Goodbye Buster, you'll be missed.

Finally Catching My Breath

I think finally, we're getting back to our new normal!! The last 3 weeks has been more hectic than I had even expected, and to top it off we've had a couple drama incidents just add to add extra flavour.

I was supposed to be done work on October 31, however I have had to change my plans and am now juggling what I can for work hours while keeping the kids full-time. Why? I had to fire the babysitter and I'm just not going to look for another one. We've had to much trouble and stress over babysitters so it's time to just be done.

Here's the story:
Conner's bus picks him up from his babysitter's house anywhere between 8:05 to 8:10am. Normally, I have the kids there before 8, so Conner goes inside for a few minutes before the bus comes. On Tuesday, I arrived at just after 8, so I told Conner to stand at his pick-up spot and I let his sitter know he was outside when I took Robyn in. We didn't talk long because she was trying to keep quiet so her children didn't wake up.

Zoom forward 35 minutes. I get a call from the school that Conner had missed his bus, and that some stranger driving by had picked him up from the curb because he was crying and cold. She gave me a cell phone number to call. I immediately called to find out that the lady had actually returned Conner inside to the house - after waiting with him and walking back to her house to get a kleenex for his running nose. She admonished me for dressing my son so poorly and then I thanked her for her help. (I was in a bit of a panicked state of mind with worry for my boy) I left work and raced to the sitter's to find him inside, still very upset. I basically ripped the poor girl's face off when she started going on about the bus not picking him up. She couldn't understand why I was so upset that 1. she didn't know he had missed the bus 2. he had been crying all by himself outside and 3. she didn't immediately call me

I got Conner to school, thankfully and he had a pretty decent day considering. Phew. So many things could have happened, my stomach was in knots the rest of the day and all of the next; I feel it roll every time I think about how scared and alone he felt.

People have asked, well why didn't he just go to the house? And I can see their point, but it shows how very little other people know my son. Other children may have done that, and they may also have taken the mitts out of their pocket and put them on when they did get cold. But Conner 's mind wasn't looking for solutions - he was waiting for the bus! I know he'll be misunderstood alot - most people see a beautiful, smart, happy little boy and can't possibly fathom some of his challenges. For the most part I take that as a success; it means he's managing well! But it also reinforces why he needs me at home full-time. I may screw up, and I may not always understand the why's; no parent or caretaker is perfect. But when it comes down to it, Conner needs me to be his full-time support more than I need to work part-time.

Here's hoping for a calmer next week!

A Peek at Buster

We're planning on buying a puppy to grow up on the acreage. After doing a bunch of research, I fell in love with the Louisiana Catahoula Leopard. While we had been planning on a Blue Heeler (Austrailian Cattle Dog), we decided the houla was the breed we want.

Of course, I wanted a rescue, or even a cast-off mutt or x-breed. That is still a possibility, much to Mark's chagrine (haha). But right now, I need to raise a dog to guard the kids and the home place, and a puppy from a proven set of parents is the best option for us right now. As wonderful a dog as our yellow lab, Sasha, is - she is no guardian. She can't even leave the kitchen if a cat is sitting in the doorway...

We're going to see him tonight to decide, and then will be leaving a deposit if all goes as expected. Because we won't be officially moved until November, they've agreed to hold him until then. The Martins generally keep their puppies for 12 weeks to be socialized with the adults, and being he's only about 8 weeks now, it should work out perfectly!

So, I thought Howie (from Haward, Guardian) would be a good name for our new little boy. But somehow he's already been christened Buster. Conner flat out shot down Howie with an emphatic no and strong head shake. Damn. If I'd have gotten the boy on my side I would have been golden!

Buster it is! I can live with that :)

BIG News!

Some may have noticed I have been missing for a week or so... well I have good reasons!

First, I had big news that I couldn't share yet - but I was BURSTING to tell someone so I stayed away from blogging because I knew that I couldn't resist the temptation. Then I got so tied up in loose ends that I couldn't sit down long enough to write anything that would have resembling a coherent post. So what's the news? It's two -part:

1) We bought an acreage! We were able to leap on it before it was formally listed, so it all happened very quickly... Monday we looked at it and made an offer- Tuesday we signed papers for it...

It's a town away, which means the kids will be switching schools - but the Kindergarten class already seems well suited to Conner. It has a lower child-teacher-aide ratio, and the Kindergarten teacher duos as the special ed teacher, less people for Conner to deal with! She has already set up appointments to meet Conner, and then two half days to integrate him into her classroom. I was unsure of doing this to him - but I think, I hope, it will be ok.

2) I quit my job! OK, well I actually put my resignation in for October 31, and then agreed to do some interim wage cover-off to train and mentor a replacement.. but I made the big first step.

It's funny, I've had reactions from huge congratulations and people happy for us as a family - to "well what are you going to do with yourself?". It's really hard not to retort with a biting remark, but I'm trying hard not to be so defensive. Yes, we'll be lowering our standard of living and giving up some comforts - BUT for Mark and I, the chance for me to stay at home and support the family has an immeasurable value.

I'm so excited for our next step that I'm giddy! So that's why I've been so quiet; with so many things up in the air and then the initial rush of paper signing etc, I've simply been indisposed. I might even start a new blog to timeline the restoration of the 1920's house that we will be moving into.

Top Ten Reasons I'm NOT the World's Worst Mother

Another fun game from Good Enough Mama!

1. My kids eat their vegetables and like them (uncooked, raw). In fact, Conner thinks that Broccoli is a treat and tells me I'm the best Mom for letting him have it before supper even though he's not supposed to be snacking at that time.

2. I let me kids get dirty. I mean, down in the dirt, only thing showing is eyeballs dirty.

3. I take Mommy Time Outs. When I get frustrated and start losing my cool I announce that I need a time-out and I go to my office for 5 minutes. If Mark's home, I can close the door and take longer.

4. I play video games with my kids. OK, so this might put me in the other category on some lists.... Conner and I have been playing Spore together. Just the two of us chatting and working together on something. I relate it to working on a puzzle... but with more colors and movements!

5. I like to take vacations with my kids, which means for us, no exotic getaways. I'd much rather sit around a campfire staring at the stars with my kids while I have them. When they're outta the house I'm soooo leaving this country though! I'm sure I'll come back.

6. I go worm hunting. Yep, and I even put them on the hook. I hunt grasshoppers for bait too. In fact, Conner bestowed me the title of The Best Grasshopper Catcher this past summer.

7. I listen to "The Wiggles" songs in the van even though they make me want to veer into oncoming traffic.

8. I participate in the tiny nudist colony we have going, much to Mark's chagrine. I don't go totally naked, that's just scary, but the kids and I hang out in the summer in our undies more than the neighbors want to know.

9. I sometimes feed them peanut butter sandwiches for supper. OK another iffy one - but it makes the kids think I am the BEST Mom... who can argue with that?

10. I stopped smoking. Took me awhile, but approaching my one year anniversary and I needed a number 10 reason :)

First Day of Kindergarten!

Conner's official first day of Kindergarten was today. He's had one 20 min orientation, one half day, and today was the first actual day. He'll be riding the bus, but I'm going to give my guy some time to adjust and learn the ropes first.

So... it went ok! The last glimpse I had of Conner as I left the room made me sad for him - his face showed his fear. He looked lost, confused and so unsure of himself. That's the part that's hard for me to handle - I have to let him find his feet, but what I really want to do is hold his hand and cheerlead him throughout his day. The teachers told me Conner did well when I went to pick him up. He hasn't looked into my face yet, after being home even for awhile, so I'm on alert... usually means things aren't ok inside of him.

One issue: choking kids on the slide. The teacher asked me if this is common and what I do for it. I told her quite honestly, yes he becomes over-aggressive and inappropriate and we have no idea what to do about it. He needs close monitoring when engaged in high activity play with other children. I don't know what happens, but he loses himself and starts hitting, pushing.. apparently choking other kids. It's partly why we pulled him from soccer. His OT suspects it's due to visual stiimulation overload. I have to think some more, but my only answer for the teacher is we don't put him in those situations because he can't handle himself...

So, some good, some bad... but overall we're home and no tears yet :) My guy's first day is over.

Positive Reinforcement Activity

One issue with which we struggle is Conner's attention seeking behaviours that more often than not tend to be mis-behaviours. Hitting, yelling, crying and temper tantrums - these occur with greater frequency when my attention is partly or wholly taken up by another task. Phone calls, for example, are prime for Conner to spin off into some crazy bouncing off the walls, ceiling and furniture tornado that turns off his ears and tunes out the world. Robyn tends to get hurt when this happens. So I end up with two upset kids. That's the background, yes we have work to do!

One of the main tools I use is pre-meditation and engage Conner in an activity before I have to leave the room or take my attention away. The same applies to Robyn, for consistency. I try my best to do this, as does Mark - but we're only human and you can't always plan for a 20 minute phone call. When speaking to my OT, she had a great suggestion to help reinforce Conner's good behaviour in a pretty simple way that should also help to raise his self esteem.

Every day, we choose a new colored piece of paper to put in an old picture frame I have. Every time we see him doing something nice or good, we give him a sticker to put on the paper. Some days, he has alot of stickers/stamps... other days not so many. At night, he puts the frame on the shelf by his bed, as a reminder of all the good things he did that day. It's also the first thing he sees in the morning to hopefully encourage him to fill up the new paper for the day.

It's a great activity - but it does take effort on our part to make it part of our routine. Conner has grown in leaps and bounds in the last three months, so it's hard to measure how each activity or strategy we're using actually makes a difference. I think overall, it's a great tool that has been helping our family as a whole be more positive in our feelings and interactions.

Robyn's Big Day

My baby started pre-school on Monday, her second day was today. She's only 2! Yes, she'll be 3 next month, but I never thought I'd be packing my children off to school at such a young age. Conner we made the concession for because at 3, we knew he was having social problems and other issues and thought socialization in an organized and controlled environment would be good for him. It was the best thing that happened for us as a family and started us on the road to awareness and education for ourselevs and our boy.

So... after watching big brother go to Little Steps for two years, how could I say no to: "Mommy me go Bigsteps." OK... so I'm the mom that has my kid in school at 2. Fine, we're ok with that.



On Monday, I fed her lunch, got her dressed in her brand new clothes and "pretty shoes" and we drove to school. I escorted my smiling, bubbly little girl into the classroom... and 10 minutes later backed out realizing I wasn't even going to get a goodbye. Ok, I told myself to stop feeling so forgotten; it's a good thing she has so much confidence!

At 3, I'm back at the school, waiting in the hallway for my princess to emerge from the classroom. Other children run to their Mommies with hugs and smiles and screams of delight. My Robyn??


Stood in the middle of the hallway, crying. Refusing to budge, tears streaming down her face and falling to the floor, she looked absolutely heart broken and determined in her resolve not to move. Of course, I ask her why she's crying:

Robyn: "Me not go home, stay at school!", was her loud wailing response.

Me: "But you come back on Wednesday, let's go home!" (said all happy and cheerful)

Robyn: "No". (Crosses arms and continues to wail).

At this point I realize she really won't come home, so I bodily usher her to the bench, change her shoes and drag her from the school by her hand, all the while maintaining the biggest smile on my face (but inside I'm wondering if the other parents and teachers are thinking and wondering why the child doesn't want to go home with her own mother). We got home, still crying, helped everyone inside and I went to the basement (to do laundry) and sniffed back the tears. I'm happy for my girl, but damn! I wasn't expecting her not to need me for at least another few years.

Ok dramatics aside, Robyn is in heaven. Both my kids are technically in school, so I guess that means we have crossed into the next stage.

Today's Day Two! Maybe we can make it home without any tears :) (edit - we made it home, almost without crying, then water works started when we pulled up to home)









And as an aside, while supper was cooking Monday night, Robyn grabbed her snuggle blanket and asked me to "nuggle" on the couch with her. So maybe she's not totally over needing me just yet.

Our Juggernaut

Last night Conner had another "episode". That's what we term his out of control, no cerebral thoughts periods - when lights on nobody's home - and all that's left is crashing, crying, yelling... you get the picture. I'm thankful now that we don't try to punish him out of it; we stopped treating it as simply bad behaviour when we came to realize that this isn't a choice for Conner, or something within his control. Now, I blame us as parents for allowing it to get to that point. Ok, so maybe that's being hard on us, but I do think our vigilance can save him from spinning out of control most of the time since we do know his triggers, mostly. I'll admit though, knowing doesn't always help - life is unpredictable!

Conner, his dad and sister went to Nana and Papa's for supper, for Papa's birthday. I stayed home because of a terrible stomach ache and headache that had me down and out most of yesterday afternoon. Conner apprently started getting wild on the trampoline, something I saw happen with our O.T. In sessions, he would use a body sock over his head to decrease the visual stimulation, which for Conner, is one major trigger. Another trigger is noise, and it is decidedly alot more noisy at Papa's then it is at home, to the point I battle headaches when I'm there! Usually I'm on high alert when we go to visit, just because I know from experience there are more triggers for Conner. So.. when Mark brought Conner home laden with sugar (yes, a huge trigger), after jumping on the trampoline for hours, then trapped in the vehicle with Dad and sis.. I took one look at the boy and his Dad and knew Conner was not well. Dad wasn't coping well either.

What scares me when I look at him when he's in this state, are his eyes: Blank, pupils dilated and darting. His pulse is racing, and his breathing is shallow. The little boy I love and adore is seemingly gone; as in not there. It hurts to see him like that, because deep down I know it must feel awful to feel that way.

Immediately we got him dressed for bed, and I dominated his bedtime routine with no wiggle room for any deviations. Once in bed, I mummy wrapped him (we tuck the comforter all around him, pinning his arms to his chest, around his legs and under his feet) and then placed a pillow on top of his chest. I sang him his bedtime song while leaning firmly on the pillow. Conner had started crashing down from his high upon entering bed, and the deep pressure did the rest of the work.

I don't like these episodes any more than I used to; they scare me every time. But, I don't feel as helpless as I did even 6 months ago, because we have learned some strategies to deal with them when they do arise. I'm so thankful they are occurring less than before (almost on a daily basis). Maybe it's education on our part, but I think it's also some maturation on Conner's. I have my fingers crossed for the latter.

I dream of the day that Conner can leave the stable environment that we maintain at home, go out into the relatively chaotic world (unaided), and maintain his self control, composure and above all, happiness.

A Dose of Perspective

I've been in quite a huff over the last several days. So much so, that my husband has been suffering from a non-ending debate. I'm angry, bitter, and hurt on Mark's behalf at the treatment he has received by his now ex-employer. We have faced embarassment due the unlawful holding of his last paycheque... our mortgage was still due, as were the other normal monthly bills that we depend on his earnings to pay. Normally, we would have savings to keep us going - but ok, we spent them on our holiday. *cringe* Bad planning definitely - but neither of us expected the former emplyer to actually not pay what was owed. So, trying to explain that we should have the money to pay, but we don't and aren't sure when... I can't even describe how deeply embarrased I have been by it all.

I want revenge. I want everyone to know what has been done! Mainly, I want to fight back against the people that have treated my husband so poorly. He can handle himself, he's a big boy - but one of my own has been hurt and I feel like a Momma Bear on the hunt. So called friends who said to his face that he has been treated poorly turn around and have a hand in the last undignified act to spite my husband weeks after he has left.

My husband, being the wonderful man that he is, just wants to move on. He wants to leave it in the past and embrace the changes he and our family have made. I know he's right but I still think he should fight. I want blood.

So, long story short, it's been no picnic in our household. /sigh

In my daily web wanderings, I read a story from a member in one of my communities that gave me the kick in the ass I needed. I suppose I needed some perspective to get out of my funk. I've copied and pasted the story below:

There was a car accident near my home today. A lady was driving around when a little spider came down the windshield just in front of her eyes. So of course she got scared and swung the steering wheel back and forth.

As she did that, she struck a pedestrian that had almost finished crossing the street. The little old lady got killed on the spot.

20 min. later, a guy that works at the garage with me was coming to work and saw that there had been an accident. But he had to take another street as the police was blocking the road.

What this guy didnt knew is that the lady that was killed 20 min. earlier was his wife. We all found out when the cops came to the garage to tell him.

... The morale is... always take care of your loved ones, you never know when they'll be taken away.

I hurt for the people affected by this horrible accident, all of them. And on a more personal and selfish level I've decided to stop ranting about the injustice and unfair treatment (and a whole bunch of profane descriptions of one particular Manager).... and just let it go. In the big picture, it just doesn't matter.

Seriously letting go, as soon as this blog post ends ;)

A Season for Change

Autumn is my favourite time of year, and September for me marks the change of season. It comes in welcome relief to the heat of August; the kind of weather that makes me want to strip off all my clothes and lie naked on the cement floor (try not to visualize that, it’s not a pretty picture). I’ve always maintained that you can put more clothes on to keep warm, but there are only so many clothes you can take off before you run out of options. Thankfully my children don’t have fashion sense yet!

This September starts a period of change for us as a family: Mark is starting his new job today, Conner begins Kindergarten next week, and Robyn starts pre-school this year as well. All of that in itself is big! But maybe we’ve been stagnating for too long, because as timing would have it, we may also be moving house and home and moving to a new town. I'm looking at obtaining my Bachelor of Commerce through an online University - and I may even end up leaving my job. I’m ok with the changes, I just wish I could make a solid plan rather than formulate potential plans on all the what-ifs.

I’m excited for this fall. I think we’re in a healthier place as a family than we have been, well ever. I feel I have recovered from my depression and am back to myself, and Conner seems to have turned a new leaf as well. Mark has a renewed spirit with his career change, and Robyn, well she’s almost 3 and making sure we know it. I had no idea one small child could talk sooo much.

I can’t wait to collect the color changing leaves with my kids.

Calming Activity - Bottle Buddies

One of the suggestions our O.T. made for Conner, was to make a bottle buddy as a calming activity. It's the same idea as a lava lamp - watching the gloops, plus being able to move them himself, should help him transition into quiet activity. For Conner it works amazingly well, and had I not seen it with my own eyes, I may not have believed that this works for him.

Mary had been pushing him harder one afternoon, to the point that he was crashing hard on everything in the room and was moving too fast; on the verge of losing control. Mary pointed out the bottle she had made, and he immediately lost interest in running and crashing, laid down on the floor, captivated by the sparkles in the bottle. I watched his body relax as he went into a state of total calm that sustained right through the 10 minute chat that Mary and I had regarding the session.

I've seen several variations, and if you google it, I suggest using wave bottles as search terms. I don't use mine in the home, but as a buddy in the car. Both children now have one that they decorated themselves and leave in the van. Instead of poking and prodding each other, they fidget with their bottle buddies. They do need reminders, and we do make sure to get excited about what they see inside their bottles. My husband and I noted an immediate change in our longer rides; there is alot less fighting or discontent. For us, that's a great improvement; it had become a chore just to drive to the store because of the fighting. The problems in the back seat felt out of our control because nothing we had been doing seemed to have a lasting effect.

The bottles are also great for heavy work activities, like bowling: Have the child set up the pins, knock them down, and then reset them up. We have been doing this outside with a soccer ball.

So, click the link above for your own ideas, and I've listed my own recipe/variation. I think the most important thing here was to make sure the kids were involved on every step - so that they feel the pride and ownership in their own bottle buddies.

Using empty water bottles (different sizes), I filled each with:
1/4 white corn syrup
1/4 baby oil (or olive oil)
1/2 water (leave some room at the top for displacement from beads etc)

added: sparkles, beads, shiny things -- I bought little packages from the dollar store and laid it all out for the kids to choose. I also added food coloring - but I controlled this as a couple drops goes a LONG way!

When everything is done - I lined the cap with silicone and screwed it back onto the bottle. Voila! Spill proof! So far prying fingers haven't tried to take the cap off - but I do watch closely.

Kindergarten, The Beginning

I cannot believe how quickly time has passed. My first born is about to enter Kindergarten! While I’m reading stories from other mothers sharing in this life moment, I realize that perhaps I’m a bit less saddened by it. I suppose it may have to do with having sent Conner to pre-school for two years now, so we have that inaugural 1st day under our belts now.

I’m actually looking forward to this year with an equal measure each of trepidation and excitement. I feel like we’re finally in a good spot with Conner. Over the last 18 months, my husband and I have learned the why’s to Conner, or at least some of them. Now that we know why we are now able to address the what next. What Next has been my primary focus for the last 9 months. It’s been healthy for our family to reap the benefits of the education that we have sought and been receiving.

My worries about crossing into the education threshold have been waylaid greatly by the addition of the professionals that are now in our life. I know I can consult with them and ask for help to advocate for Conner in appropriate ways. With P.U.F., Conner will have an aide to help him and give him the one on one attention he requires for the things that he finds difficult: like activity transitions and story circles.

Now I just have to sit back, and wait. I have to let my little big man make his own steps, with the hope that when he stumbles, he'll be able to get back up. Now I have to learn how and when I can jump in and pick him up...

The hardest part for me, will be the transition from being the woman in his life – to having to share some of his heart with his teachers. It’s that road, as we travel it over the next decade and beyond, that will be the hard part for me.

I Googled Myself

I frequent a blog regularly, Good Enough Mama, whose owner challenged her readers to google themselves and post about it...

I have used Sassy as a nickname for myself for quite a few years now, so I chose that. The idea is to use your name, and add a verb, ie: Sassy eats And then write down what comes up... so here goes...


1. Sassy needs new home due to allergies. (new home, yes - allergies, no)

2. Sassy looks like my cat, Princess.
3. Sassy does Aruba (hmmm, sounds like fun?)
4. Sassy hates spongebob. (this is true)
5. Sassy goes down the slide. (Everytime we go to the park)
6. Sassy loves to kiss fingers. (if they have boo boos)
7. Sassy eats a Honda Accord's nose. (I don't know if that's even possible)
8. Sassy has no snapshots.
9. Sassy will always look wonderful from the front. (Checks the mirror)


After reading this list I think Sassy must be a popular name for a dog....

The O.T. 2 week Blitz

It's been a busy couple of weeks for me and the kids. Earlier in the year, we enrolled Conner in a program Mary Culshaw (Great Beyond Therapy) holds specifically tailored towards children with Sensory Processing Disorder. In this case, Mary's concentration was Kindergarten Readiness. Conner and I met daily with Mary in her clinic for 2 weeks (5 days, weekend, then 5 days). While the hour long drive there and back was inconvenient, every minute and dollar spent was very well worth it.

I was skeptical, to be honest, about the program and thinking that maybe we didn't need to invest so much money right now into a program like this, especially when Conner has been so relatively calm since return from our vacation. However, after Day Two, I realized the benefit that Conner was already receiving. I brought home a calm, happy and relaxed little boy Tuesday afternoon that stayed with us right up until it was time for bed. (We had a melt down complete with tears and screaming at that point) While I was making supper, he colored in his room. There was no fighting with Robyn; even when she pulled out her bag of tricks designed to send her big brother into hysterics. He sat through supper (without banging), ate it well and then returned to his coloring afterwards.

Not knowing my son, you would wonder what's so amazing about the above. I had to hide my emotions a bit, as I was almost overcome with happiness and relief to finally see our little guy, of all things: content. He wasn't thrashing, or jittering so much that he couldn't stay long enough to finish a picture. He had focus enough to plan out what he wanted to draw, and then explain it all to us when he was finished - including what he would do next. He had the self-control to refrain from screaming at or otherwise abusing Robyn when she entered the room - and was able to use his words calmly and effectively when she turned on the bug power. For as much growth Conner has done over the summer - this all in one evening was simply amazing for us to witness.

The best part? It continued throughout the week, (I held my breath) throughout the weekend... and with some bumps, the second week as well. Why? Mary has explained to me that we're seeing the effects of modulation for Conner. For him, that means alot of heavy work, some quiet/dark time in a place that he can stretch and push. Sure, there's more to it than that, but it's a place for us to start. I learned so much that I'm running over with information and ideas and strategies.

We have had some bad behaviour - he is five afterall. It's not a cure, and it wasn't meant to be. Conner will not change because of a few O.T visits... but I don't want him to change. I love my boy for who he is; we just need to keep working on teaching ourselves and him ways that he can communicate and interact with a world that is wired just a bit differently than him.

With a return to our former routine, perhaps I'll start posting more regularly! In two weeks, we start Kindergarten!

PreHistoric Park, retold

On the way home from our BC vacation, we had an unexpected 9 hour stop in Valemount due to a car accident on the highway that caused it to shut down, both ways. As inconvenient as it was for us, I felt deeply for the familes involved in the crash.

After a long day of waiting and a bit of sight-seeing, we were back on the road to find that the highway wasn't completely open yet! To pass the time, I grabbed the video camera and asked the kids to perform. Normally, Conner is too shy and unsure of himself to speak when the camera comes on (even though he chatters endlessly when it's off!). To our surprise, Conner started reciting his version of his current favorite video, PreHistoric Park. He's watched it twice, the 4 episodes we have, and has personally elevated Nigel to the same status as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and God (his explanation to his grandparents was that they are all friends and talk on the phone).

I'm a proud mama, can't help but to be; it's in our very nature! But this little video represents a huge achievement and an indication of the progress he's made in such a short time. In the minimum, it shows the potential my guy has to show his personality. It's a glimpse into the boy I know as my son, but struggles with invisible barriers, to show that side of his dynamic personality to the outside world.

10-minute Youtube Video - PreHistoric Park, retold

Celebrating the Differences

Since coming home from vacation, Conner has continued to be relaxed. (I will write about our vacation soon!(tm)). Not only does it relieve our worries a bit, but it also has the effect of letting the entire family relax a bit too. Particularly when we're facing a bit of a family uproar. Normally, this would have Conner on edge, and out of control.

I am seeing some behaviours returning though; ones that I haven't seen for some time. Last night, he was eating a mandarin orange before bed. When I checked on his progress, I noticed he had lined each slice up perfectly in line, at the same angle to each other across the arm of the couch. I paused, as my first instinct was to tell him that food doesn't belong on the couch, but I wanted to see what he would do next. He counted each slice, and then started eating. After he ate each one, he would count them all again. I realized while watching, that he's been lining up and counting objects alot lately, sometimes in tandem, sometimes as seperate behaviours.

I can handle this better than some of his other behaviours! Perhaps it's a calming activity for him? I'll have to ask his OT, but as long as it doesn't morph into something that disrupts his daily routine significantly, then I can't see the harm. So often I'm looking at Conner wondering what I can do to "fix" some of his troubles, this time, my instinct tells me to relax and celebrate his differences.

We all have ways that that work for us to relax and unwind. Seeing the smile on Conner's face and the enthusiasm with which he completes his personal game gives me hope for a bright and happy future.

Food For Thought, on Bears

I've been away on vacation and haven't been able to post for the month of July, but I'm back!

One of the best stops we made was at the Northern Lights Wolf Centre near Golden, BC. During our visit, we learned about Karelian Bear Dogs and the role they could play in protecting our urban areas from habituated (garbage or problem) bears.

A couple of interesting tidbits I learned:

FACT: on average, 1000 bears lose their lives in BC each year for being "problem bears".

The way Karelian Bear Dogs may typically be used to help bears:
A trained team of bear dogs and a dog handler work with the Conservation Officer (CO), usually in a chase situation. The bear is chased to a safe distance away, at which point the chase is called off. This tells the bear that it is a territorial dispute and not a predatory attack. The bear learns recognize the boundary of our territory and learns to stay away.
through educational programs like BearSmart and BearAware, a trained team of humans work with the community to teach proper disposal of garbage, fruit from fruit trees, etc... so as not to continue to attract wildlife to their property. "A fed bear is a dead bear".
(The Northern Lights Wolf Centre website. http://www.northernlightswildlife.com/karelian_bear_dogs.htm)

So why aren't BC conservation officers using these dogs? Good question, and one I asked as well. The answer: It is illegal to chase bears in BC with dogs, because it is considered harassment to wildlife. The folks doing the great work at the Northern Lights Wolf Centre are working hard to get the law changed, and get an amendment to the BC Wildlife Act to allow for Karelian Bear Dogs to assist Conservation Officers in their job. They need more help to convince the Minsitry of Environment to make this change!!

I would think that the recent incidents on Vancouver's coast would be more than enough example as to what the use of trained Karelian Bear Dogs could have achieved. As we encroach further and further into their native habitats by building roads, towns, power grids, etc, the more we are going to see incidents between habituated bears and the humans that unconsciously invited them.

Take a Deep Breath and Count (Part 2)

In early December, Conner was diagnosed (potentially) with Sensory Processing Disorder (Part 1 of Conner's Journey). In addition to SPD, the doctor noted compulsion/anxiety disorder. Thus began our journey. The first things on our list: referral to mental health services for the compulsion/anxiety.

We were immediately received for an initial intake upon the completion thereof I was informed that because of his age (he was still 4) there were no services available for him. The system does not recognize anxiety or other related disorders in children under 6, therefore there is no funding or programming targeted for them. We were told to come back once Conner was in school. I took it all in, gathered up the kids and went home.

By the time Mark got home, I was crying. Not knowing what this meant, and feeling overwhelmed about navigating us successfully through “the system” was a lot of pressure that I took on myself. I knew I had to be strong for my son, but I wondered whether I would be able. So I started doing what I could and asking around, first to people I knew, and then branched out to anyone who might know anything on the subject.

Upon consultation with his ECS teacher, I was able to get my hands on some good reading resources. I spent the next couple of weeks researching SPD and related developmental disorders and helping Mark learn about it as well. Come January, we took Conner to his EEG. He behaved so well that he was rewarded with any toy of his choosing from Toys R Us. If you know Conner, you already know what he chose; a giant dinosaur. This time, a long neck.

In February, the occupational therapist assigned to him through the central public referrals contacted us and arranged to observe and assess him at school. As chance would have it, Conner had a great day at school. This, at that point in the school year, was the exception rather than the norm for Conner to manage transitions and activities without tantrums and crying. He even participated in social play with other children without being prodded. This was something to celebrate! The report reflected Conner’s behaviour on this one particular day, and while she acknowledged the background and history, her assessment was that Conner had no significant delays or problems. She suggested some behaviour strategies to me and some parenting tips and followed up by phone once.

This may have been the end of the road were it not for Conner’s amazing teacher. She believed quite strongly that he would benefit from the attention and help he would receive from an aide. She embarked on a task to help Conner receive P.U.F (Hallejullah! Funding for Conner) for that purpose. She arranged for another assessment, this time by a family and child psychologist and therapist. While the report had some similar notes to the first one done, the second assessment gave us a more thorough examination and follow-up, including two pages of suggestions and tips to help Conner. Using that report, along with her own notes, his teacher was able to attain funding for P.U.F.

Yippeee!!! In the same week, Conner was accepted by a private Occupational Therapist, Mary Culshaw, to her clinic in August. The clinic will specifically target skills and functions Conner will need to be able to carry out well to help him succeed in Kindergarten. It’s not cheap, nor is it very convenient but we are thrilled and looking forward to participating.

The next chapter: Conner’s pediatric follow-up and saying no to drugs

A Place to Call Home

For one reason or another, I have always felt a little out of place in the world around me. From the time I was in Elementary School I felt different from the other kids. The feelings deepened as I grew up and continued right through my University years. I was not an outcast, and I had family that loved me. But I just didn’t feel “home”. In the pursuit of a place to belong, I tried on different faces and personas and though I had some fun, nothing really clicked for me until I met Mark. He’s become my best friend, my confidante, and is so much a part of who I am that I have a hard time remembering my life without him. Finally, with Mark, I have found my place to belong: our family.

It wasn’t a conscious thought or plan to bring children into this world with the intent to satisfy my own need to belong, but I have realized that is exactly what has happened. In addition to the joy of sharing in the lives of two precious people, I have been able to find peace with myself as to where I should be in this world. As each of the individuals grows, so does my own sense of belonging. We’re to the point now that we have inside jokes and games. I live for those moments and treasure them – the ones that you had to be there to get it – sort of moments. It’s not always butterflies and roses in our family, nor is it for any family I’m sure, and I know that we will need to navigate bumps and curves along the road of life as we all grow. It may not always be pretty or perfect, but we will manage, as distinct individuals that together, form our unique family.

Hallelujah! Funding for Conner

Conner has been approved for Program Unit Funding (P.U.F.)! The short explanation - this means that he will have an aide in the classroom specifically to help him. The long explanation, well read the handbook! Either way, it's a reason to celebrate.

Through extensive efforts by his ECS teacher, Erinn Gallagher and some caring professionals, Conner will be able to start Kindergarten with some special attention with the hope and plan that it will help him adjust and transition. My personal hope is that the intervention now will give him the opportunity to continue to blossom into a well adjusted boy.

We have some hard work ahead of us, and regular appointments with Occupational Therapists and potentially a child psychologist, but these are all successes! Conner will receive some of the best treatments we have access to so that he has a the best chance of achieving "normal". I don't care about what any standards say, but I look forward to the day that my heart doesn't hurt for our guy when he struggles over some of the simple things that we all take for granted as being second nature.

P.U.F. is one huge step along that adventure!

Another sick day...

We're home sick again today. Conner has a fever and a headache which means no work, no sitter. It's one of those early morning decisions that needs to be made and then phone calls followed up to work, the sitter and any appointments that I may not be able to keep now. I'm ok with it, my kids come first and I made myself a promise when I started working that I would never let it get in the way of being a mom. But I still struggle with accepting less than perfection from myself when it comes to my job.

I know I am absent more than others in the office, and likely more than many in my division simply because I am the mother of young children. Add to that attendance to Conner's appointments, and extra sick days related to his stress levels, and I know I'm not doing my job as well as I could were I not away so much. Obviously, my children come first, but I do feel like I'm trading off success in my career for the choices I make as a dutiful mother. Being I only work part-time, it makes sense for me to stay at home with the kids. And, my manager is superbly understanding and accomodating; whereas Mark has a tough time taking one day off for " legitimate" reasons, much less a sick kid. But I still feel gypped in some ways.

I put my career aspirations aside, subject my co-workers to high absenteeism, and have to be comfortable with less than stellar job performance because it's more acceptable for me as the mother. The sacrifice is worth it, especially considering I had always planned to be a stay at home mom. Financially, we just couldn't make it, so we decided together that part-time work would be a compromise in our family's best interest. What lurks in the dark recesses of my mind though is that it just seems unfair that as mothers it is accepted and pretty much expected for us to give up careers and life outside of our families while the opposite is true of fathers. Mark and I are a partenership and making decisions together, so I am not complaining about my role in my marriage.

OK, maybe whining a bit about my role in society. What can I say, it's a sick day.

Take a Deep Breath and Count (Part 1)

From the day that he was born, our son Conner has never followed the book. I threw "the book" out when he was 4 1/2 months old and started crawling. He pulled himself up at 5 months, and was walking by 6. In some of my online parenting communities I've had to actually pull out the photos as proof that my guy achieved these milestones at such a young age. When our super intelligent and very advanced little boy (don't all first time parents think that?) started lining up his toys in stick straight lines, or categorizing them by color, or shape, size and type(sometimes simultaneously) we were very proud. I wouldn't admit to it back then, but I did wonder if he was a tad too focussed. But everyone was so proud and happy, I dismissed my quiet wonderings as to being a new mom.

Everyone talks about their toddlers being busy, and I told myself that all Moms felt theirs was the busiest. But when I watched other little ones, and talked to other Moms, I realized that Conner did require alot more energy to keep up with than other children. There were other little things; like his inability to wear anything with a tag, his food tolerance for uncooked vegetables or crunchy things only, or how every night we started in the rocking chair with me holding him as firmly as possible so that he would stay in one place long enough to fall asleep an hour later that all together, added up to at least a very challenging and sometimes frustrating job as a parent.

Then the terrible twos hit, we thought, a bit early. Tantrums, crying, irratibility... we were prepared for this but were surprised when it came a bit early at 16 months. Oh well, he'd hit other milestones early. I don't know when it started to become louder, but that voice inside became more insistent that something was off about the time we discovered we were pregnant with our second child. Throughout the next few months, Conner increasingly became more difficult to manage. At his yearly exam, the doctor noted that she could not understand Conner. We had told ourselves he simply wasn't interested when he stopped talking a few months earlier. His tantrums, becoming more frequent and lasting longer were due to frustration at not being able to communicate, we thought. Speech assessments and then speech therapy followed. Thankfully he responded well, and enjoyed the one on one attention that he got. His sister had been born during this time, colicky for the first couple of months and very demanding of my time; her arrival was very difficult for Conner. I had to watch him very closely and didn't trust him around the baby as he deliberately tried to hurt her when he thought no one was watching.

As time passed I took on more guilt. We had been consistent. We had sought advice from everyone we knew, and yet we felt totally lost. Our child was healthy and we saw days that were bright, or on the "bad" days, glimpses of the guy we knew was there, so really we couldn't complain; he was healthy after all. Yet, I was afraid to even go to the store because I simply couldn't manage. Everything seemed so difficult, we were frustrated so much of the time to the point we both would break down and cry at the end of the day - we MUST be doing something wrong. Even though there are two of us, I felt like a failure as a mother.

Our beautiful little boy was spending more time in time out than he was playing, and increasingly he was withdrawing from us and the world around him that I was scared. Autism, that bad ugly word that no one really understands, loomed in my mind. Finally, I sought a consult to a pediatrician.

That day in December 2007 was the first time I had ever heard the words Sensory Perception Disorder (SPD), so foreign was it to me I had to have the doctor write it down so I wouldn't forget it. While it was a relief that autism had been ruled out (though he does exhibit autistic traits) we suddenly had a bunch of reading and learning to do. It was intimidating. But even while sitting in the pediatrician's office, a transformation happened inside me that I think started us as a family on the next step of Conner's Journey; I realized we weren't total failures as parents! From that day on I started to repeat (inside my head of course) "It is ok to be frustrated, he is a challenging child." With that out of the way, we were more able to focus on what was most important: Conner.

So began our journey that I plan to diarize here, as much for myself as for anyone who might read it. I can't promise regularity or perfect organization, but it will be an account that is honest and true as to how SPD affects my son and my family.

Sounding Off - The Hullabaloo Around " I Do"

The following is a rant, or soap box item that is a general issue. The title, Sounding Off, is the indicator that this is an issue that affects me outside of my family bubble. knowing myself and my strong opinions on just about everything, there should be more to come.

It's that time of year again: the wedding season. If you’re even thinking about getting married, or know someone who’s thinking of getting married, much less actually in the throes of wedding planning madness, there is no escape from the endless details and excitement. Even if you are mostly unaffected and oblivious to the wedding bug, it’s hard to avoid the office chat that can also adopt a wedding theme at this time of year. One recent conversation revolving around a debate between a mother and daughter over a dress and another mother and daughter fight over shoes, affected me for the rest of the day.

Family fights, tearful brides, budget woes that in themselves contribute to higher tensions; this has become the accepted marking of the beginning of a couple's journey in life together? It’s certainly easy to get caught up in the marketing; flowers, cakes, dresses, shoes, bubbles, tuxes, invitations, venues, menus, and more all adorning the glossy magazine covers showing picture perfect happy couples in romantic splendour. I suspect we as a society easily lose perspective by confusing the "success" of the wedding as a template for the marriage.

A wedding is the union of two people who are choosing to spend the rest of their lives together. The rest is just details, period.