BIG News!

Some may have noticed I have been missing for a week or so... well I have good reasons!

First, I had big news that I couldn't share yet - but I was BURSTING to tell someone so I stayed away from blogging because I knew that I couldn't resist the temptation. Then I got so tied up in loose ends that I couldn't sit down long enough to write anything that would have resembling a coherent post. So what's the news? It's two -part:

1) We bought an acreage! We were able to leap on it before it was formally listed, so it all happened very quickly... Monday we looked at it and made an offer- Tuesday we signed papers for it...

It's a town away, which means the kids will be switching schools - but the Kindergarten class already seems well suited to Conner. It has a lower child-teacher-aide ratio, and the Kindergarten teacher duos as the special ed teacher, less people for Conner to deal with! She has already set up appointments to meet Conner, and then two half days to integrate him into her classroom. I was unsure of doing this to him - but I think, I hope, it will be ok.

2) I quit my job! OK, well I actually put my resignation in for October 31, and then agreed to do some interim wage cover-off to train and mentor a replacement.. but I made the big first step.

It's funny, I've had reactions from huge congratulations and people happy for us as a family - to "well what are you going to do with yourself?". It's really hard not to retort with a biting remark, but I'm trying hard not to be so defensive. Yes, we'll be lowering our standard of living and giving up some comforts - BUT for Mark and I, the chance for me to stay at home and support the family has an immeasurable value.

I'm so excited for our next step that I'm giddy! So that's why I've been so quiet; with so many things up in the air and then the initial rush of paper signing etc, I've simply been indisposed. I might even start a new blog to timeline the restoration of the 1920's house that we will be moving into.

Top Ten Reasons I'm NOT the World's Worst Mother

Another fun game from Good Enough Mama!

1. My kids eat their vegetables and like them (uncooked, raw). In fact, Conner thinks that Broccoli is a treat and tells me I'm the best Mom for letting him have it before supper even though he's not supposed to be snacking at that time.

2. I let me kids get dirty. I mean, down in the dirt, only thing showing is eyeballs dirty.

3. I take Mommy Time Outs. When I get frustrated and start losing my cool I announce that I need a time-out and I go to my office for 5 minutes. If Mark's home, I can close the door and take longer.

4. I play video games with my kids. OK, so this might put me in the other category on some lists.... Conner and I have been playing Spore together. Just the two of us chatting and working together on something. I relate it to working on a puzzle... but with more colors and movements!

5. I like to take vacations with my kids, which means for us, no exotic getaways. I'd much rather sit around a campfire staring at the stars with my kids while I have them. When they're outta the house I'm soooo leaving this country though! I'm sure I'll come back.

6. I go worm hunting. Yep, and I even put them on the hook. I hunt grasshoppers for bait too. In fact, Conner bestowed me the title of The Best Grasshopper Catcher this past summer.

7. I listen to "The Wiggles" songs in the van even though they make me want to veer into oncoming traffic.

8. I participate in the tiny nudist colony we have going, much to Mark's chagrine. I don't go totally naked, that's just scary, but the kids and I hang out in the summer in our undies more than the neighbors want to know.

9. I sometimes feed them peanut butter sandwiches for supper. OK another iffy one - but it makes the kids think I am the BEST Mom... who can argue with that?

10. I stopped smoking. Took me awhile, but approaching my one year anniversary and I needed a number 10 reason :)

First Day of Kindergarten!

Conner's official first day of Kindergarten was today. He's had one 20 min orientation, one half day, and today was the first actual day. He'll be riding the bus, but I'm going to give my guy some time to adjust and learn the ropes first.

So... it went ok! The last glimpse I had of Conner as I left the room made me sad for him - his face showed his fear. He looked lost, confused and so unsure of himself. That's the part that's hard for me to handle - I have to let him find his feet, but what I really want to do is hold his hand and cheerlead him throughout his day. The teachers told me Conner did well when I went to pick him up. He hasn't looked into my face yet, after being home even for awhile, so I'm on alert... usually means things aren't ok inside of him.

One issue: choking kids on the slide. The teacher asked me if this is common and what I do for it. I told her quite honestly, yes he becomes over-aggressive and inappropriate and we have no idea what to do about it. He needs close monitoring when engaged in high activity play with other children. I don't know what happens, but he loses himself and starts hitting, pushing.. apparently choking other kids. It's partly why we pulled him from soccer. His OT suspects it's due to visual stiimulation overload. I have to think some more, but my only answer for the teacher is we don't put him in those situations because he can't handle himself...

So, some good, some bad... but overall we're home and no tears yet :) My guy's first day is over.

Positive Reinforcement Activity

One issue with which we struggle is Conner's attention seeking behaviours that more often than not tend to be mis-behaviours. Hitting, yelling, crying and temper tantrums - these occur with greater frequency when my attention is partly or wholly taken up by another task. Phone calls, for example, are prime for Conner to spin off into some crazy bouncing off the walls, ceiling and furniture tornado that turns off his ears and tunes out the world. Robyn tends to get hurt when this happens. So I end up with two upset kids. That's the background, yes we have work to do!

One of the main tools I use is pre-meditation and engage Conner in an activity before I have to leave the room or take my attention away. The same applies to Robyn, for consistency. I try my best to do this, as does Mark - but we're only human and you can't always plan for a 20 minute phone call. When speaking to my OT, she had a great suggestion to help reinforce Conner's good behaviour in a pretty simple way that should also help to raise his self esteem.

Every day, we choose a new colored piece of paper to put in an old picture frame I have. Every time we see him doing something nice or good, we give him a sticker to put on the paper. Some days, he has alot of stickers/stamps... other days not so many. At night, he puts the frame on the shelf by his bed, as a reminder of all the good things he did that day. It's also the first thing he sees in the morning to hopefully encourage him to fill up the new paper for the day.

It's a great activity - but it does take effort on our part to make it part of our routine. Conner has grown in leaps and bounds in the last three months, so it's hard to measure how each activity or strategy we're using actually makes a difference. I think overall, it's a great tool that has been helping our family as a whole be more positive in our feelings and interactions.

Robyn's Big Day

My baby started pre-school on Monday, her second day was today. She's only 2! Yes, she'll be 3 next month, but I never thought I'd be packing my children off to school at such a young age. Conner we made the concession for because at 3, we knew he was having social problems and other issues and thought socialization in an organized and controlled environment would be good for him. It was the best thing that happened for us as a family and started us on the road to awareness and education for ourselevs and our boy.

So... after watching big brother go to Little Steps for two years, how could I say no to: "Mommy me go Bigsteps." OK... so I'm the mom that has my kid in school at 2. Fine, we're ok with that.



On Monday, I fed her lunch, got her dressed in her brand new clothes and "pretty shoes" and we drove to school. I escorted my smiling, bubbly little girl into the classroom... and 10 minutes later backed out realizing I wasn't even going to get a goodbye. Ok, I told myself to stop feeling so forgotten; it's a good thing she has so much confidence!

At 3, I'm back at the school, waiting in the hallway for my princess to emerge from the classroom. Other children run to their Mommies with hugs and smiles and screams of delight. My Robyn??


Stood in the middle of the hallway, crying. Refusing to budge, tears streaming down her face and falling to the floor, she looked absolutely heart broken and determined in her resolve not to move. Of course, I ask her why she's crying:

Robyn: "Me not go home, stay at school!", was her loud wailing response.

Me: "But you come back on Wednesday, let's go home!" (said all happy and cheerful)

Robyn: "No". (Crosses arms and continues to wail).

At this point I realize she really won't come home, so I bodily usher her to the bench, change her shoes and drag her from the school by her hand, all the while maintaining the biggest smile on my face (but inside I'm wondering if the other parents and teachers are thinking and wondering why the child doesn't want to go home with her own mother). We got home, still crying, helped everyone inside and I went to the basement (to do laundry) and sniffed back the tears. I'm happy for my girl, but damn! I wasn't expecting her not to need me for at least another few years.

Ok dramatics aside, Robyn is in heaven. Both my kids are technically in school, so I guess that means we have crossed into the next stage.

Today's Day Two! Maybe we can make it home without any tears :) (edit - we made it home, almost without crying, then water works started when we pulled up to home)









And as an aside, while supper was cooking Monday night, Robyn grabbed her snuggle blanket and asked me to "nuggle" on the couch with her. So maybe she's not totally over needing me just yet.

Our Juggernaut

Last night Conner had another "episode". That's what we term his out of control, no cerebral thoughts periods - when lights on nobody's home - and all that's left is crashing, crying, yelling... you get the picture. I'm thankful now that we don't try to punish him out of it; we stopped treating it as simply bad behaviour when we came to realize that this isn't a choice for Conner, or something within his control. Now, I blame us as parents for allowing it to get to that point. Ok, so maybe that's being hard on us, but I do think our vigilance can save him from spinning out of control most of the time since we do know his triggers, mostly. I'll admit though, knowing doesn't always help - life is unpredictable!

Conner, his dad and sister went to Nana and Papa's for supper, for Papa's birthday. I stayed home because of a terrible stomach ache and headache that had me down and out most of yesterday afternoon. Conner apprently started getting wild on the trampoline, something I saw happen with our O.T. In sessions, he would use a body sock over his head to decrease the visual stimulation, which for Conner, is one major trigger. Another trigger is noise, and it is decidedly alot more noisy at Papa's then it is at home, to the point I battle headaches when I'm there! Usually I'm on high alert when we go to visit, just because I know from experience there are more triggers for Conner. So.. when Mark brought Conner home laden with sugar (yes, a huge trigger), after jumping on the trampoline for hours, then trapped in the vehicle with Dad and sis.. I took one look at the boy and his Dad and knew Conner was not well. Dad wasn't coping well either.

What scares me when I look at him when he's in this state, are his eyes: Blank, pupils dilated and darting. His pulse is racing, and his breathing is shallow. The little boy I love and adore is seemingly gone; as in not there. It hurts to see him like that, because deep down I know it must feel awful to feel that way.

Immediately we got him dressed for bed, and I dominated his bedtime routine with no wiggle room for any deviations. Once in bed, I mummy wrapped him (we tuck the comforter all around him, pinning his arms to his chest, around his legs and under his feet) and then placed a pillow on top of his chest. I sang him his bedtime song while leaning firmly on the pillow. Conner had started crashing down from his high upon entering bed, and the deep pressure did the rest of the work.

I don't like these episodes any more than I used to; they scare me every time. But, I don't feel as helpless as I did even 6 months ago, because we have learned some strategies to deal with them when they do arise. I'm so thankful they are occurring less than before (almost on a daily basis). Maybe it's education on our part, but I think it's also some maturation on Conner's. I have my fingers crossed for the latter.

I dream of the day that Conner can leave the stable environment that we maintain at home, go out into the relatively chaotic world (unaided), and maintain his self control, composure and above all, happiness.

A Dose of Perspective

I've been in quite a huff over the last several days. So much so, that my husband has been suffering from a non-ending debate. I'm angry, bitter, and hurt on Mark's behalf at the treatment he has received by his now ex-employer. We have faced embarassment due the unlawful holding of his last paycheque... our mortgage was still due, as were the other normal monthly bills that we depend on his earnings to pay. Normally, we would have savings to keep us going - but ok, we spent them on our holiday. *cringe* Bad planning definitely - but neither of us expected the former emplyer to actually not pay what was owed. So, trying to explain that we should have the money to pay, but we don't and aren't sure when... I can't even describe how deeply embarrased I have been by it all.

I want revenge. I want everyone to know what has been done! Mainly, I want to fight back against the people that have treated my husband so poorly. He can handle himself, he's a big boy - but one of my own has been hurt and I feel like a Momma Bear on the hunt. So called friends who said to his face that he has been treated poorly turn around and have a hand in the last undignified act to spite my husband weeks after he has left.

My husband, being the wonderful man that he is, just wants to move on. He wants to leave it in the past and embrace the changes he and our family have made. I know he's right but I still think he should fight. I want blood.

So, long story short, it's been no picnic in our household. /sigh

In my daily web wanderings, I read a story from a member in one of my communities that gave me the kick in the ass I needed. I suppose I needed some perspective to get out of my funk. I've copied and pasted the story below:

There was a car accident near my home today. A lady was driving around when a little spider came down the windshield just in front of her eyes. So of course she got scared and swung the steering wheel back and forth.

As she did that, she struck a pedestrian that had almost finished crossing the street. The little old lady got killed on the spot.

20 min. later, a guy that works at the garage with me was coming to work and saw that there had been an accident. But he had to take another street as the police was blocking the road.

What this guy didnt knew is that the lady that was killed 20 min. earlier was his wife. We all found out when the cops came to the garage to tell him.

... The morale is... always take care of your loved ones, you never know when they'll be taken away.

I hurt for the people affected by this horrible accident, all of them. And on a more personal and selfish level I've decided to stop ranting about the injustice and unfair treatment (and a whole bunch of profane descriptions of one particular Manager).... and just let it go. In the big picture, it just doesn't matter.

Seriously letting go, as soon as this blog post ends ;)

A Season for Change

Autumn is my favourite time of year, and September for me marks the change of season. It comes in welcome relief to the heat of August; the kind of weather that makes me want to strip off all my clothes and lie naked on the cement floor (try not to visualize that, it’s not a pretty picture). I’ve always maintained that you can put more clothes on to keep warm, but there are only so many clothes you can take off before you run out of options. Thankfully my children don’t have fashion sense yet!

This September starts a period of change for us as a family: Mark is starting his new job today, Conner begins Kindergarten next week, and Robyn starts pre-school this year as well. All of that in itself is big! But maybe we’ve been stagnating for too long, because as timing would have it, we may also be moving house and home and moving to a new town. I'm looking at obtaining my Bachelor of Commerce through an online University - and I may even end up leaving my job. I’m ok with the changes, I just wish I could make a solid plan rather than formulate potential plans on all the what-ifs.

I’m excited for this fall. I think we’re in a healthier place as a family than we have been, well ever. I feel I have recovered from my depression and am back to myself, and Conner seems to have turned a new leaf as well. Mark has a renewed spirit with his career change, and Robyn, well she’s almost 3 and making sure we know it. I had no idea one small child could talk sooo much.

I can’t wait to collect the color changing leaves with my kids.