A good start to a new week

Woohoo! Conner had a great day today at school. Considering where we started last week - it's something to celebrate. No hitting, biting, pinching, yelling or screaming - he did get upset but he worked through it with words.

I re-read what I write and try to see it through someone else's eyes and I wonder sometimes how we got here. Before Conner opened my eyes, I was the person who saw parenting in black & white. Children behaved, or misbehaved and that was dependent for the most part on their parents and the household rules. I've learned alot in my 6 short years as Mom... but nothing as powerful as an open mind (the humble pie I've had to eat by heaping spoonful helped).

We don't allow our son to jump off the back of the couch and fly through the air at random intervals throughout the day, but he does it. We don't allow Conner to physically attack the animals or his sister, but he does it. We don't allow temper tantrums, but amazingly, he's prone tho those several times a day. My point? It's not about rules and allowances - he does have to suffer the consequences of his poor decisions and some days are full of poor choices. But it doesn't mean he will not do those things and there's only so much supervision I can give him.

We're trying, hard, to learn why he's doing those things so we can help divert him and teach him to deal with his emotions and physical energy in more positive ways - but making a list of rules and allowances - cross it off the list.

I love my boy for so many reasons like every mother. On really difficult days I try to remind myself of the gift Conner is to us - before him, the world was black and white and had straight edges; Conner's world has brought color and deviation to mine.

The Ballet, Sushi, and Us

I have always had a love for the arts; classical music, ballet, opera - but have had no one with which to enjoy or share. Certainly not my family, or my husband's family... and Mark tolerates some "culture", but turns back to hockey discussions as soon as he thinks he can get away with it. So, I decided a very long time ago, that when my children were old enough to start going, and too young to say no, I would impose my will upon them and culture them. So, for the second year in a row, I bought tickets for my family to see The Nutcracker in Edmonton.

Yesterday in -35C (that's almost -40 for you Americans) weather, we drove 3 hours to Edmonton. Some may have suggested that we stay at home in that weather. Ha! I spent almost $300 on these tickets 3 months ago, no way am I gonna let them go to waste!!

Once in the parking lot, we change the kids out of their car ride clothes, complete with crumbs and smears, into their beautiful party clothes. My mom bought them each an adorable outfit earlier in the year. It's amazing how well these two kids actually clean up!!

(Their noses are still cold from the walk into the building)

The ballet itself was pretty good; if you're looking for a review, I think last year's was far better in talent and story, but the kids both enjoyed it. When the Nutcracker prince was injured by the King Rat, Robyn yelled in her little 3 year old voice, "He's dead!" At various times I had to try and shush her exclaims, but inside I was beaming. My little girl was fascinated! She followed the story quite well and was drawn into the dances. Conner enjoyed it also and demanded quite loudly for me to name the different dances, ie: the Russians, Arabians etc. It's hard being put on the spot like that when I know all the "real" ballet people sitting around us are pretending not to listen. The second half was tiring for the children, and Mark and I had to be quite creative in our bid to keep both kids quiet and behaved. I don't think we totally succeeded, but we weren't the loudest either.

Poor Conner was too hot (it was stifling in there), and the clapping had finally done him in by the second half. Every time the crowd started clapping, Conner started gyrating wildly and blinking, sticking out his tongue and other ticks. He also started the humming/singing that he does often when he's in public places - which I think was a sign that he had had enough noise. Thankfully, the second half wasn't as long, so he was able to finish out the show without having to disturb an entire row of people to leave in the middle (yeah, we sat in the very centre of the row - -1 point to me for the choice of seats).

The best part of the entire show was the end. I was chatting with the lady in front of us who was letting us know politely that she thought my children were a bit loud for her tastes to which I was feigning complete ignorance of the point. Someone tapped me on the shoulder, and I turned around to about 4 or 5 people fawning at my children. One of the ladies told Mark and I that we have beautiful children and .. this is the best part: "They are wonderfully behaved." now don't worry, I don't actually totally believe this part because I know my own children. But, that was such a nice compliment.

Afterwards, we went for sushi as a treat for all of us. It was Robyn's first time and she decided upon seeing the maki rolls that sushi was not her thing. I had already ordered her a bowl of rice though, so all was good. Conner ate more maki than I thought he could fit in his little belly. He even drank some of my green tea! Looking across the table at my special guy, I had a vision of him in the future; a well travelled scholar who partakes in the finer, more cultured side of life. Ok, it's a stretch. But in his little suit complete with tie, sipping on green tea and eating sushi at age 5... it seemed fitting. (Maybe if we had our own sushi restaurant Conner wouldn't be so skinny and hard to feed!)

I look forward to next year. It's nice to step outside of our normal routine and do something different. I know the day will come that the kids won't be so easily swayed into going, so I'm going to enjoy these times I do get to enjoy this with them and my husband as fully as I can.

I'm Home!!

While the plane was coming down on the landing strip, I was imagining the reception awaiting me inside with my husband and kids. One of those movie welcomes with yells of "Mommy!!" and everyone trying to hug me at the same time. It was quite beautiful. Reality of course, rarely mirrors fantasy.

The plane had departed over 90 minutes delayed, so poor Mark had been entertaining and corralling two antsy children who were wholly tired of his sole company. When I finally came down the hallway to the reception/public area, there sat my husband, slumping in his seat with a happy smile. He looked positively sh*tbagged. The kids were hiding their faces in our old game, eliciting weird looks from the people around us. When I "found" them, the kids gave me hugs and kisses, and we all walked out happily to the car.

I had made myself a promise while I was away - no more yelling. I hate it, and yet I do it. Lately, I do it on a daily basis multiple times.

It lasted all of 20 minutes. It took us that long to get into the van.

*sigh*

My first day home was awful. I'm not blaming the kids, or anyone in particular - it was just one of those yucky days. It started with 5 (counted all of them) loose and gooey fresh puppy poops across the kitchen floor. Thank goodness it's lino. He couldn't stand and finish his business. No, he had to spread the love across and into every nook and cranny in the kitchen. Thanks Max. Just how I wanted to start my morning! Then a few crappy phone calls and fighting kids and a windy, cold day from hell. Just a bad day.

I promised the kids we would decorate for Christmas this year, so we made a plan after supper to get the first decorations out, including the Advent Calender that Conner keeps a close eye on for the entirety of December. That helped turn a yucky day into a great one. We had alot of fun and the inside of my house looks like the Christmas section of every department store projectile vomitted. The kids are happy and I can enjoy the garishness of it all by seeing it through their eyes. (Christmas and I have a sordid love-hate relationship) Tonight, we'll put up the tree, maybe.

I think Mark missed me though. After a long bath and a book (my wind-down treat after long days), I was greeted by candles and chocolates in the bedroom and one very cuddly hubby. I don't plan on leaving again any time soon, but it sure is nice to come home.

Mommy, I'm in Love

Last Thursday night, a few hours after coming home, my son finally started sharing about his school day. It takes Conner some time to decompress, and normally I don't get to hear about his day until the next day or later, if at all.

He came up to me with a shy half smile and adorable flush and half whispered, "Mom, I have a girlfriend and I love her."

Me: Really? What's her name? (Inside I'm counting the years and thinking, isn't this puppy love bit coming too soon? I'm trying to keep the panic off my face)
Conner: I forget. But we play at every recess. I love her.
Me: Is she in your class?
Conner: No, she's in Grade 1 (The nerve, picking up the babies in Kindergarten!)
Me: (Getting smart) I'm glad you're making some friends at your new school Buddy! Your new friend sounds very nice.
Conner: She's my girlfriend. I love her very, very much.
Me: (in my head: You're barely out of diapers, how can you possibly love someone you've played with on the playground for 2 days! You - don't - even - know - her - name.) I think you mean your friend, that is a girl, right honey? Just like you have friends that are boys. (I then look at Daddy for help)
Mark: Mom's right buddy. You can like your friends very much and we're happy you're getting some friends, but we use words like love for our family and people we know for a long time.
Conner: Oh. See the toys I picked out to give (stumbles) My Friend That is a Girl? And see this picture? That's her and that's me. I'm giving it to her so she can think of me when she goes home at night.
Me: (coughing and choking on my words - this is hard for me to take) Conner you are too young to have a girlfriend.
Conner: (laughs) No, I'm not! (looks to Dad to share a laugh about his crazy Mom)
Me: Tell ya what, if when you are 12 (counts 7 years with him on his fingers) you still think you love her, than you can call her your girlfriend. But my rules say no girlfriends til then ok?
Conner: Ok. (matter of factly and slowly speaking as though I am the child) But I do love her and I'll just call her my girlfriend to myself (leaves room).

Now don't get me wrong. It is cute as heck. The adorable smile, blush, shy voice - everything. But I've got history with this kid. This is the kid that up until a few months ago had no friends. None. He cried about it almost daily. This is the kid that has choked kids on the playground while on the slide with misplaced understanding of what fun means. Overstimulation from noise and movement doesn't help... This is the kid that has taken beatings from bullies on the playground because it meant that he was noticed and maybe next time they would be nice. (His rationalization when we put the run on the kids and rescued our little boy)

He's had such a struggle learning to socialize that I fear one of his first experience with a potentially longer lasting friendship (small school), could be misunderstood. Conner has wanted so badly to fit in and be just like the other kids that I am worried he's placing too much faith and trust on one poor little girl's shoulders. She probably doesn't even realize the stir her friendliness and kind gestures have caused my little boy. Let's learn to walk before we run, please, little man. (sigh, this is the baby that started walking at 6months of age and running at 9months)

I'm not ready to mend broken hearts. And his is to young to even have any fissures... no breaking allowed. (this is the part that Mark starts to smile and tell me to relax)

Finally Catching My Breath

I think finally, we're getting back to our new normal!! The last 3 weeks has been more hectic than I had even expected, and to top it off we've had a couple drama incidents just add to add extra flavour.

I was supposed to be done work on October 31, however I have had to change my plans and am now juggling what I can for work hours while keeping the kids full-time. Why? I had to fire the babysitter and I'm just not going to look for another one. We've had to much trouble and stress over babysitters so it's time to just be done.

Here's the story:
Conner's bus picks him up from his babysitter's house anywhere between 8:05 to 8:10am. Normally, I have the kids there before 8, so Conner goes inside for a few minutes before the bus comes. On Tuesday, I arrived at just after 8, so I told Conner to stand at his pick-up spot and I let his sitter know he was outside when I took Robyn in. We didn't talk long because she was trying to keep quiet so her children didn't wake up.

Zoom forward 35 minutes. I get a call from the school that Conner had missed his bus, and that some stranger driving by had picked him up from the curb because he was crying and cold. She gave me a cell phone number to call. I immediately called to find out that the lady had actually returned Conner inside to the house - after waiting with him and walking back to her house to get a kleenex for his running nose. She admonished me for dressing my son so poorly and then I thanked her for her help. (I was in a bit of a panicked state of mind with worry for my boy) I left work and raced to the sitter's to find him inside, still very upset. I basically ripped the poor girl's face off when she started going on about the bus not picking him up. She couldn't understand why I was so upset that 1. she didn't know he had missed the bus 2. he had been crying all by himself outside and 3. she didn't immediately call me

I got Conner to school, thankfully and he had a pretty decent day considering. Phew. So many things could have happened, my stomach was in knots the rest of the day and all of the next; I feel it roll every time I think about how scared and alone he felt.

People have asked, well why didn't he just go to the house? And I can see their point, but it shows how very little other people know my son. Other children may have done that, and they may also have taken the mitts out of their pocket and put them on when they did get cold. But Conner 's mind wasn't looking for solutions - he was waiting for the bus! I know he'll be misunderstood alot - most people see a beautiful, smart, happy little boy and can't possibly fathom some of his challenges. For the most part I take that as a success; it means he's managing well! But it also reinforces why he needs me at home full-time. I may screw up, and I may not always understand the why's; no parent or caretaker is perfect. But when it comes down to it, Conner needs me to be his full-time support more than I need to work part-time.

Here's hoping for a calmer next week!

Top Ten Reasons I'm NOT the World's Worst Mother

Another fun game from Good Enough Mama!

1. My kids eat their vegetables and like them (uncooked, raw). In fact, Conner thinks that Broccoli is a treat and tells me I'm the best Mom for letting him have it before supper even though he's not supposed to be snacking at that time.

2. I let me kids get dirty. I mean, down in the dirt, only thing showing is eyeballs dirty.

3. I take Mommy Time Outs. When I get frustrated and start losing my cool I announce that I need a time-out and I go to my office for 5 minutes. If Mark's home, I can close the door and take longer.

4. I play video games with my kids. OK, so this might put me in the other category on some lists.... Conner and I have been playing Spore together. Just the two of us chatting and working together on something. I relate it to working on a puzzle... but with more colors and movements!

5. I like to take vacations with my kids, which means for us, no exotic getaways. I'd much rather sit around a campfire staring at the stars with my kids while I have them. When they're outta the house I'm soooo leaving this country though! I'm sure I'll come back.

6. I go worm hunting. Yep, and I even put them on the hook. I hunt grasshoppers for bait too. In fact, Conner bestowed me the title of The Best Grasshopper Catcher this past summer.

7. I listen to "The Wiggles" songs in the van even though they make me want to veer into oncoming traffic.

8. I participate in the tiny nudist colony we have going, much to Mark's chagrine. I don't go totally naked, that's just scary, but the kids and I hang out in the summer in our undies more than the neighbors want to know.

9. I sometimes feed them peanut butter sandwiches for supper. OK another iffy one - but it makes the kids think I am the BEST Mom... who can argue with that?

10. I stopped smoking. Took me awhile, but approaching my one year anniversary and I needed a number 10 reason :)

Positive Reinforcement Activity

One issue with which we struggle is Conner's attention seeking behaviours that more often than not tend to be mis-behaviours. Hitting, yelling, crying and temper tantrums - these occur with greater frequency when my attention is partly or wholly taken up by another task. Phone calls, for example, are prime for Conner to spin off into some crazy bouncing off the walls, ceiling and furniture tornado that turns off his ears and tunes out the world. Robyn tends to get hurt when this happens. So I end up with two upset kids. That's the background, yes we have work to do!

One of the main tools I use is pre-meditation and engage Conner in an activity before I have to leave the room or take my attention away. The same applies to Robyn, for consistency. I try my best to do this, as does Mark - but we're only human and you can't always plan for a 20 minute phone call. When speaking to my OT, she had a great suggestion to help reinforce Conner's good behaviour in a pretty simple way that should also help to raise his self esteem.

Every day, we choose a new colored piece of paper to put in an old picture frame I have. Every time we see him doing something nice or good, we give him a sticker to put on the paper. Some days, he has alot of stickers/stamps... other days not so many. At night, he puts the frame on the shelf by his bed, as a reminder of all the good things he did that day. It's also the first thing he sees in the morning to hopefully encourage him to fill up the new paper for the day.

It's a great activity - but it does take effort on our part to make it part of our routine. Conner has grown in leaps and bounds in the last three months, so it's hard to measure how each activity or strategy we're using actually makes a difference. I think overall, it's a great tool that has been helping our family as a whole be more positive in our feelings and interactions.

A Season for Change

Autumn is my favourite time of year, and September for me marks the change of season. It comes in welcome relief to the heat of August; the kind of weather that makes me want to strip off all my clothes and lie naked on the cement floor (try not to visualize that, it’s not a pretty picture). I’ve always maintained that you can put more clothes on to keep warm, but there are only so many clothes you can take off before you run out of options. Thankfully my children don’t have fashion sense yet!

This September starts a period of change for us as a family: Mark is starting his new job today, Conner begins Kindergarten next week, and Robyn starts pre-school this year as well. All of that in itself is big! But maybe we’ve been stagnating for too long, because as timing would have it, we may also be moving house and home and moving to a new town. I'm looking at obtaining my Bachelor of Commerce through an online University - and I may even end up leaving my job. I’m ok with the changes, I just wish I could make a solid plan rather than formulate potential plans on all the what-ifs.

I’m excited for this fall. I think we’re in a healthier place as a family than we have been, well ever. I feel I have recovered from my depression and am back to myself, and Conner seems to have turned a new leaf as well. Mark has a renewed spirit with his career change, and Robyn, well she’s almost 3 and making sure we know it. I had no idea one small child could talk sooo much.

I can’t wait to collect the color changing leaves with my kids.

Calming Activity - Bottle Buddies

One of the suggestions our O.T. made for Conner, was to make a bottle buddy as a calming activity. It's the same idea as a lava lamp - watching the gloops, plus being able to move them himself, should help him transition into quiet activity. For Conner it works amazingly well, and had I not seen it with my own eyes, I may not have believed that this works for him.

Mary had been pushing him harder one afternoon, to the point that he was crashing hard on everything in the room and was moving too fast; on the verge of losing control. Mary pointed out the bottle she had made, and he immediately lost interest in running and crashing, laid down on the floor, captivated by the sparkles in the bottle. I watched his body relax as he went into a state of total calm that sustained right through the 10 minute chat that Mary and I had regarding the session.

I've seen several variations, and if you google it, I suggest using wave bottles as search terms. I don't use mine in the home, but as a buddy in the car. Both children now have one that they decorated themselves and leave in the van. Instead of poking and prodding each other, they fidget with their bottle buddies. They do need reminders, and we do make sure to get excited about what they see inside their bottles. My husband and I noted an immediate change in our longer rides; there is alot less fighting or discontent. For us, that's a great improvement; it had become a chore just to drive to the store because of the fighting. The problems in the back seat felt out of our control because nothing we had been doing seemed to have a lasting effect.

The bottles are also great for heavy work activities, like bowling: Have the child set up the pins, knock them down, and then reset them up. We have been doing this outside with a soccer ball.

So, click the link above for your own ideas, and I've listed my own recipe/variation. I think the most important thing here was to make sure the kids were involved on every step - so that they feel the pride and ownership in their own bottle buddies.

Using empty water bottles (different sizes), I filled each with:
1/4 white corn syrup
1/4 baby oil (or olive oil)
1/2 water (leave some room at the top for displacement from beads etc)

added: sparkles, beads, shiny things -- I bought little packages from the dollar store and laid it all out for the kids to choose. I also added food coloring - but I controlled this as a couple drops goes a LONG way!

When everything is done - I lined the cap with silicone and screwed it back onto the bottle. Voila! Spill proof! So far prying fingers haven't tried to take the cap off - but I do watch closely.

Kindergarten, The Beginning

I cannot believe how quickly time has passed. My first born is about to enter Kindergarten! While I’m reading stories from other mothers sharing in this life moment, I realize that perhaps I’m a bit less saddened by it. I suppose it may have to do with having sent Conner to pre-school for two years now, so we have that inaugural 1st day under our belts now.

I’m actually looking forward to this year with an equal measure each of trepidation and excitement. I feel like we’re finally in a good spot with Conner. Over the last 18 months, my husband and I have learned the why’s to Conner, or at least some of them. Now that we know why we are now able to address the what next. What Next has been my primary focus for the last 9 months. It’s been healthy for our family to reap the benefits of the education that we have sought and been receiving.

My worries about crossing into the education threshold have been waylaid greatly by the addition of the professionals that are now in our life. I know I can consult with them and ask for help to advocate for Conner in appropriate ways. With P.U.F., Conner will have an aide to help him and give him the one on one attention he requires for the things that he finds difficult: like activity transitions and story circles.

Now I just have to sit back, and wait. I have to let my little big man make his own steps, with the hope that when he stumbles, he'll be able to get back up. Now I have to learn how and when I can jump in and pick him up...

The hardest part for me, will be the transition from being the woman in his life – to having to share some of his heart with his teachers. It’s that road, as we travel it over the next decade and beyond, that will be the hard part for me.

PreHistoric Park, retold

On the way home from our BC vacation, we had an unexpected 9 hour stop in Valemount due to a car accident on the highway that caused it to shut down, both ways. As inconvenient as it was for us, I felt deeply for the familes involved in the crash.

After a long day of waiting and a bit of sight-seeing, we were back on the road to find that the highway wasn't completely open yet! To pass the time, I grabbed the video camera and asked the kids to perform. Normally, Conner is too shy and unsure of himself to speak when the camera comes on (even though he chatters endlessly when it's off!). To our surprise, Conner started reciting his version of his current favorite video, PreHistoric Park. He's watched it twice, the 4 episodes we have, and has personally elevated Nigel to the same status as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and God (his explanation to his grandparents was that they are all friends and talk on the phone).

I'm a proud mama, can't help but to be; it's in our very nature! But this little video represents a huge achievement and an indication of the progress he's made in such a short time. In the minimum, it shows the potential my guy has to show his personality. It's a glimpse into the boy I know as my son, but struggles with invisible barriers, to show that side of his dynamic personality to the outside world.

10-minute Youtube Video - PreHistoric Park, retold

A Place to Call Home

For one reason or another, I have always felt a little out of place in the world around me. From the time I was in Elementary School I felt different from the other kids. The feelings deepened as I grew up and continued right through my University years. I was not an outcast, and I had family that loved me. But I just didn’t feel “home”. In the pursuit of a place to belong, I tried on different faces and personas and though I had some fun, nothing really clicked for me until I met Mark. He’s become my best friend, my confidante, and is so much a part of who I am that I have a hard time remembering my life without him. Finally, with Mark, I have found my place to belong: our family.

It wasn’t a conscious thought or plan to bring children into this world with the intent to satisfy my own need to belong, but I have realized that is exactly what has happened. In addition to the joy of sharing in the lives of two precious people, I have been able to find peace with myself as to where I should be in this world. As each of the individuals grows, so does my own sense of belonging. We’re to the point now that we have inside jokes and games. I live for those moments and treasure them – the ones that you had to be there to get it – sort of moments. It’s not always butterflies and roses in our family, nor is it for any family I’m sure, and I know that we will need to navigate bumps and curves along the road of life as we all grow. It may not always be pretty or perfect, but we will manage, as distinct individuals that together, form our unique family.

Hallelujah! Funding for Conner

Conner has been approved for Program Unit Funding (P.U.F.)! The short explanation - this means that he will have an aide in the classroom specifically to help him. The long explanation, well read the handbook! Either way, it's a reason to celebrate.

Through extensive efforts by his ECS teacher, Erinn Gallagher and some caring professionals, Conner will be able to start Kindergarten with some special attention with the hope and plan that it will help him adjust and transition. My personal hope is that the intervention now will give him the opportunity to continue to blossom into a well adjusted boy.

We have some hard work ahead of us, and regular appointments with Occupational Therapists and potentially a child psychologist, but these are all successes! Conner will receive some of the best treatments we have access to so that he has a the best chance of achieving "normal". I don't care about what any standards say, but I look forward to the day that my heart doesn't hurt for our guy when he struggles over some of the simple things that we all take for granted as being second nature.

P.U.F. is one huge step along that adventure!

Another sick day...

We're home sick again today. Conner has a fever and a headache which means no work, no sitter. It's one of those early morning decisions that needs to be made and then phone calls followed up to work, the sitter and any appointments that I may not be able to keep now. I'm ok with it, my kids come first and I made myself a promise when I started working that I would never let it get in the way of being a mom. But I still struggle with accepting less than perfection from myself when it comes to my job.

I know I am absent more than others in the office, and likely more than many in my division simply because I am the mother of young children. Add to that attendance to Conner's appointments, and extra sick days related to his stress levels, and I know I'm not doing my job as well as I could were I not away so much. Obviously, my children come first, but I do feel like I'm trading off success in my career for the choices I make as a dutiful mother. Being I only work part-time, it makes sense for me to stay at home with the kids. And, my manager is superbly understanding and accomodating; whereas Mark has a tough time taking one day off for " legitimate" reasons, much less a sick kid. But I still feel gypped in some ways.

I put my career aspirations aside, subject my co-workers to high absenteeism, and have to be comfortable with less than stellar job performance because it's more acceptable for me as the mother. The sacrifice is worth it, especially considering I had always planned to be a stay at home mom. Financially, we just couldn't make it, so we decided together that part-time work would be a compromise in our family's best interest. What lurks in the dark recesses of my mind though is that it just seems unfair that as mothers it is accepted and pretty much expected for us to give up careers and life outside of our families while the opposite is true of fathers. Mark and I are a partenership and making decisions together, so I am not complaining about my role in my marriage.

OK, maybe whining a bit about my role in society. What can I say, it's a sick day.

Take a Deep Breath and Count (Part 1)

From the day that he was born, our son Conner has never followed the book. I threw "the book" out when he was 4 1/2 months old and started crawling. He pulled himself up at 5 months, and was walking by 6. In some of my online parenting communities I've had to actually pull out the photos as proof that my guy achieved these milestones at such a young age. When our super intelligent and very advanced little boy (don't all first time parents think that?) started lining up his toys in stick straight lines, or categorizing them by color, or shape, size and type(sometimes simultaneously) we were very proud. I wouldn't admit to it back then, but I did wonder if he was a tad too focussed. But everyone was so proud and happy, I dismissed my quiet wonderings as to being a new mom.

Everyone talks about their toddlers being busy, and I told myself that all Moms felt theirs was the busiest. But when I watched other little ones, and talked to other Moms, I realized that Conner did require alot more energy to keep up with than other children. There were other little things; like his inability to wear anything with a tag, his food tolerance for uncooked vegetables or crunchy things only, or how every night we started in the rocking chair with me holding him as firmly as possible so that he would stay in one place long enough to fall asleep an hour later that all together, added up to at least a very challenging and sometimes frustrating job as a parent.

Then the terrible twos hit, we thought, a bit early. Tantrums, crying, irratibility... we were prepared for this but were surprised when it came a bit early at 16 months. Oh well, he'd hit other milestones early. I don't know when it started to become louder, but that voice inside became more insistent that something was off about the time we discovered we were pregnant with our second child. Throughout the next few months, Conner increasingly became more difficult to manage. At his yearly exam, the doctor noted that she could not understand Conner. We had told ourselves he simply wasn't interested when he stopped talking a few months earlier. His tantrums, becoming more frequent and lasting longer were due to frustration at not being able to communicate, we thought. Speech assessments and then speech therapy followed. Thankfully he responded well, and enjoyed the one on one attention that he got. His sister had been born during this time, colicky for the first couple of months and very demanding of my time; her arrival was very difficult for Conner. I had to watch him very closely and didn't trust him around the baby as he deliberately tried to hurt her when he thought no one was watching.

As time passed I took on more guilt. We had been consistent. We had sought advice from everyone we knew, and yet we felt totally lost. Our child was healthy and we saw days that were bright, or on the "bad" days, glimpses of the guy we knew was there, so really we couldn't complain; he was healthy after all. Yet, I was afraid to even go to the store because I simply couldn't manage. Everything seemed so difficult, we were frustrated so much of the time to the point we both would break down and cry at the end of the day - we MUST be doing something wrong. Even though there are two of us, I felt like a failure as a mother.

Our beautiful little boy was spending more time in time out than he was playing, and increasingly he was withdrawing from us and the world around him that I was scared. Autism, that bad ugly word that no one really understands, loomed in my mind. Finally, I sought a consult to a pediatrician.

That day in December 2007 was the first time I had ever heard the words Sensory Perception Disorder (SPD), so foreign was it to me I had to have the doctor write it down so I wouldn't forget it. While it was a relief that autism had been ruled out (though he does exhibit autistic traits) we suddenly had a bunch of reading and learning to do. It was intimidating. But even while sitting in the pediatrician's office, a transformation happened inside me that I think started us as a family on the next step of Conner's Journey; I realized we weren't total failures as parents! From that day on I started to repeat (inside my head of course) "It is ok to be frustrated, he is a challenging child." With that out of the way, we were more able to focus on what was most important: Conner.

So began our journey that I plan to diarize here, as much for myself as for anyone who might read it. I can't promise regularity or perfect organization, but it will be an account that is honest and true as to how SPD affects my son and my family.

Slowing Down

In April, Mark and I made a decision to put Conner into soccer. Mark signed on as the Assistant Coach, and even though we had no idea what was coming our way, we were welcoming it with excitement!

And then reality hit. We weren't ready for it at all.

A big part of our lack of preparedness was a misunderstanding of what the whole program is about. We had pictured and expected: kids on a field, with a ball and hopefully they would run the right way towards the right goal posts most of the time. The reality: Practice on Tuesday, game on Thursday and two tournaments, one of which is out of town. Ok, so it was more than we had expected, but we could handle it, for Conner.

So our lives morphed from the casual routine that we've all become accustomed, to one that was tightly scheduled, on Tuesdays and Thursdays at least. One small deviation from that schedule, and you guessed it, we're late. I won't go on too long; the soccer season in the Coleman family certainly didn't either. Conner simply couldn't handle it and while we had to wrestle with ourselves over the responsiblity we felt we owed to the team and to Conner to stick it out, our responsibility to look out for his best interests reigned. We hadn't considered the costs to our family and to each of us as individuals when we signed up. And while the benefits are many, in our case, they just weren't enough.

So for now, we're going to take a pass on organized activities. Maybe we'll join next year or the year after, or who knows, maybe our unique little family doesn't fit the organized mold.