Mommy, I'm in Love

Last Thursday night, a few hours after coming home, my son finally started sharing about his school day. It takes Conner some time to decompress, and normally I don't get to hear about his day until the next day or later, if at all.

He came up to me with a shy half smile and adorable flush and half whispered, "Mom, I have a girlfriend and I love her."

Me: Really? What's her name? (Inside I'm counting the years and thinking, isn't this puppy love bit coming too soon? I'm trying to keep the panic off my face)
Conner: I forget. But we play at every recess. I love her.
Me: Is she in your class?
Conner: No, she's in Grade 1 (The nerve, picking up the babies in Kindergarten!)
Me: (Getting smart) I'm glad you're making some friends at your new school Buddy! Your new friend sounds very nice.
Conner: She's my girlfriend. I love her very, very much.
Me: (in my head: You're barely out of diapers, how can you possibly love someone you've played with on the playground for 2 days! You - don't - even - know - her - name.) I think you mean your friend, that is a girl, right honey? Just like you have friends that are boys. (I then look at Daddy for help)
Mark: Mom's right buddy. You can like your friends very much and we're happy you're getting some friends, but we use words like love for our family and people we know for a long time.
Conner: Oh. See the toys I picked out to give (stumbles) My Friend That is a Girl? And see this picture? That's her and that's me. I'm giving it to her so she can think of me when she goes home at night.
Me: (coughing and choking on my words - this is hard for me to take) Conner you are too young to have a girlfriend.
Conner: (laughs) No, I'm not! (looks to Dad to share a laugh about his crazy Mom)
Me: Tell ya what, if when you are 12 (counts 7 years with him on his fingers) you still think you love her, than you can call her your girlfriend. But my rules say no girlfriends til then ok?
Conner: Ok. (matter of factly and slowly speaking as though I am the child) But I do love her and I'll just call her my girlfriend to myself (leaves room).

Now don't get me wrong. It is cute as heck. The adorable smile, blush, shy voice - everything. But I've got history with this kid. This is the kid that up until a few months ago had no friends. None. He cried about it almost daily. This is the kid that has choked kids on the playground while on the slide with misplaced understanding of what fun means. Overstimulation from noise and movement doesn't help... This is the kid that has taken beatings from bullies on the playground because it meant that he was noticed and maybe next time they would be nice. (His rationalization when we put the run on the kids and rescued our little boy)

He's had such a struggle learning to socialize that I fear one of his first experience with a potentially longer lasting friendship (small school), could be misunderstood. Conner has wanted so badly to fit in and be just like the other kids that I am worried he's placing too much faith and trust on one poor little girl's shoulders. She probably doesn't even realize the stir her friendliness and kind gestures have caused my little boy. Let's learn to walk before we run, please, little man. (sigh, this is the baby that started walking at 6months of age and running at 9months)

I'm not ready to mend broken hearts. And his is to young to even have any fissures... no breaking allowed. (this is the part that Mark starts to smile and tell me to relax)

First Day of Kindergarten!

Conner's official first day of Kindergarten was today. He's had one 20 min orientation, one half day, and today was the first actual day. He'll be riding the bus, but I'm going to give my guy some time to adjust and learn the ropes first.

So... it went ok! The last glimpse I had of Conner as I left the room made me sad for him - his face showed his fear. He looked lost, confused and so unsure of himself. That's the part that's hard for me to handle - I have to let him find his feet, but what I really want to do is hold his hand and cheerlead him throughout his day. The teachers told me Conner did well when I went to pick him up. He hasn't looked into my face yet, after being home even for awhile, so I'm on alert... usually means things aren't ok inside of him.

One issue: choking kids on the slide. The teacher asked me if this is common and what I do for it. I told her quite honestly, yes he becomes over-aggressive and inappropriate and we have no idea what to do about it. He needs close monitoring when engaged in high activity play with other children. I don't know what happens, but he loses himself and starts hitting, pushing.. apparently choking other kids. It's partly why we pulled him from soccer. His OT suspects it's due to visual stiimulation overload. I have to think some more, but my only answer for the teacher is we don't put him in those situations because he can't handle himself...

So, some good, some bad... but overall we're home and no tears yet :) My guy's first day is over.

Kindergarten, The Beginning

I cannot believe how quickly time has passed. My first born is about to enter Kindergarten! While I’m reading stories from other mothers sharing in this life moment, I realize that perhaps I’m a bit less saddened by it. I suppose it may have to do with having sent Conner to pre-school for two years now, so we have that inaugural 1st day under our belts now.

I’m actually looking forward to this year with an equal measure each of trepidation and excitement. I feel like we’re finally in a good spot with Conner. Over the last 18 months, my husband and I have learned the why’s to Conner, or at least some of them. Now that we know why we are now able to address the what next. What Next has been my primary focus for the last 9 months. It’s been healthy for our family to reap the benefits of the education that we have sought and been receiving.

My worries about crossing into the education threshold have been waylaid greatly by the addition of the professionals that are now in our life. I know I can consult with them and ask for help to advocate for Conner in appropriate ways. With P.U.F., Conner will have an aide to help him and give him the one on one attention he requires for the things that he finds difficult: like activity transitions and story circles.

Now I just have to sit back, and wait. I have to let my little big man make his own steps, with the hope that when he stumbles, he'll be able to get back up. Now I have to learn how and when I can jump in and pick him up...

The hardest part for me, will be the transition from being the woman in his life – to having to share some of his heart with his teachers. It’s that road, as we travel it over the next decade and beyond, that will be the hard part for me.