Take a Deep Breath and Count (Part 1)

From the day that he was born, our son Conner has never followed the book. I threw "the book" out when he was 4 1/2 months old and started crawling. He pulled himself up at 5 months, and was walking by 6. In some of my online parenting communities I've had to actually pull out the photos as proof that my guy achieved these milestones at such a young age. When our super intelligent and very advanced little boy (don't all first time parents think that?) started lining up his toys in stick straight lines, or categorizing them by color, or shape, size and type(sometimes simultaneously) we were very proud. I wouldn't admit to it back then, but I did wonder if he was a tad too focussed. But everyone was so proud and happy, I dismissed my quiet wonderings as to being a new mom.

Everyone talks about their toddlers being busy, and I told myself that all Moms felt theirs was the busiest. But when I watched other little ones, and talked to other Moms, I realized that Conner did require alot more energy to keep up with than other children. There were other little things; like his inability to wear anything with a tag, his food tolerance for uncooked vegetables or crunchy things only, or how every night we started in the rocking chair with me holding him as firmly as possible so that he would stay in one place long enough to fall asleep an hour later that all together, added up to at least a very challenging and sometimes frustrating job as a parent.

Then the terrible twos hit, we thought, a bit early. Tantrums, crying, irratibility... we were prepared for this but were surprised when it came a bit early at 16 months. Oh well, he'd hit other milestones early. I don't know when it started to become louder, but that voice inside became more insistent that something was off about the time we discovered we were pregnant with our second child. Throughout the next few months, Conner increasingly became more difficult to manage. At his yearly exam, the doctor noted that she could not understand Conner. We had told ourselves he simply wasn't interested when he stopped talking a few months earlier. His tantrums, becoming more frequent and lasting longer were due to frustration at not being able to communicate, we thought. Speech assessments and then speech therapy followed. Thankfully he responded well, and enjoyed the one on one attention that he got. His sister had been born during this time, colicky for the first couple of months and very demanding of my time; her arrival was very difficult for Conner. I had to watch him very closely and didn't trust him around the baby as he deliberately tried to hurt her when he thought no one was watching.

As time passed I took on more guilt. We had been consistent. We had sought advice from everyone we knew, and yet we felt totally lost. Our child was healthy and we saw days that were bright, or on the "bad" days, glimpses of the guy we knew was there, so really we couldn't complain; he was healthy after all. Yet, I was afraid to even go to the store because I simply couldn't manage. Everything seemed so difficult, we were frustrated so much of the time to the point we both would break down and cry at the end of the day - we MUST be doing something wrong. Even though there are two of us, I felt like a failure as a mother.

Our beautiful little boy was spending more time in time out than he was playing, and increasingly he was withdrawing from us and the world around him that I was scared. Autism, that bad ugly word that no one really understands, loomed in my mind. Finally, I sought a consult to a pediatrician.

That day in December 2007 was the first time I had ever heard the words Sensory Perception Disorder (SPD), so foreign was it to me I had to have the doctor write it down so I wouldn't forget it. While it was a relief that autism had been ruled out (though he does exhibit autistic traits) we suddenly had a bunch of reading and learning to do. It was intimidating. But even while sitting in the pediatrician's office, a transformation happened inside me that I think started us as a family on the next step of Conner's Journey; I realized we weren't total failures as parents! From that day on I started to repeat (inside my head of course) "It is ok to be frustrated, he is a challenging child." With that out of the way, we were more able to focus on what was most important: Conner.

So began our journey that I plan to diarize here, as much for myself as for anyone who might read it. I can't promise regularity or perfect organization, but it will be an account that is honest and true as to how SPD affects my son and my family.