Our Juggernaut

Last night Conner had another "episode". That's what we term his out of control, no cerebral thoughts periods - when lights on nobody's home - and all that's left is crashing, crying, yelling... you get the picture. I'm thankful now that we don't try to punish him out of it; we stopped treating it as simply bad behaviour when we came to realize that this isn't a choice for Conner, or something within his control. Now, I blame us as parents for allowing it to get to that point. Ok, so maybe that's being hard on us, but I do think our vigilance can save him from spinning out of control most of the time since we do know his triggers, mostly. I'll admit though, knowing doesn't always help - life is unpredictable!

Conner, his dad and sister went to Nana and Papa's for supper, for Papa's birthday. I stayed home because of a terrible stomach ache and headache that had me down and out most of yesterday afternoon. Conner apprently started getting wild on the trampoline, something I saw happen with our O.T. In sessions, he would use a body sock over his head to decrease the visual stimulation, which for Conner, is one major trigger. Another trigger is noise, and it is decidedly alot more noisy at Papa's then it is at home, to the point I battle headaches when I'm there! Usually I'm on high alert when we go to visit, just because I know from experience there are more triggers for Conner. So.. when Mark brought Conner home laden with sugar (yes, a huge trigger), after jumping on the trampoline for hours, then trapped in the vehicle with Dad and sis.. I took one look at the boy and his Dad and knew Conner was not well. Dad wasn't coping well either.

What scares me when I look at him when he's in this state, are his eyes: Blank, pupils dilated and darting. His pulse is racing, and his breathing is shallow. The little boy I love and adore is seemingly gone; as in not there. It hurts to see him like that, because deep down I know it must feel awful to feel that way.

Immediately we got him dressed for bed, and I dominated his bedtime routine with no wiggle room for any deviations. Once in bed, I mummy wrapped him (we tuck the comforter all around him, pinning his arms to his chest, around his legs and under his feet) and then placed a pillow on top of his chest. I sang him his bedtime song while leaning firmly on the pillow. Conner had started crashing down from his high upon entering bed, and the deep pressure did the rest of the work.

I don't like these episodes any more than I used to; they scare me every time. But, I don't feel as helpless as I did even 6 months ago, because we have learned some strategies to deal with them when they do arise. I'm so thankful they are occurring less than before (almost on a daily basis). Maybe it's education on our part, but I think it's also some maturation on Conner's. I have my fingers crossed for the latter.

I dream of the day that Conner can leave the stable environment that we maintain at home, go out into the relatively chaotic world (unaided), and maintain his self control, composure and above all, happiness.